The Unfortunate
by outofcharacter
Summary: Due to certain unfortunate events Harry and Severus are forced to get married. More trouble is in line for these two damaged souls. Warnings: forced marriage, noncon, mpreg, violence, character death, OOCness. Not fluffy. COMPLETED.
1. An unfortunate turn of events

**Story title:**** The Unfortunate**

**Fan fiction universe:**** Harry Potter**

**Setting:**** The events of the story begin (and diverge from canon, becoming AU) right after Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts.**

**Pairing:**** SS/HP, not romantically.**

**Warnings:**** Forced marriage, rape/noncon, underage, violence, mpreg, character death**

**Rating:**** M**

**Genre:**** Angst/tragedy**

**Plot summary:**** The Dursley's abandon Harry after his fifth year at Hogwarts and to escape the corrupted ministry's clutches Harry is forced to marry Snape. What follows are a series of even more unfortunate events. Melodramatic and with characters very OOC.**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own any of the characters featured in this story.**

**Chapter one – A most unfortunate turn of events**

_**Harry's POV**_

The last day of Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts was a rainy day. The first thing he noticed when he woke up was the heavy smatter of rain against the window next to his bed.

The day went by fast, Harry's last day of term before the summer break always did. But it wasn't the same as it had been the previous years. Harry didn't feel as connected to his friends as he used to.

As they talked and laughed he found himself tuning their trivial nonsense out. Harry didn't feel like himself anymore. Something had changed in him when Sirius died, and when he learned of the prophecy; the great responsibility now resting on his shoulders.

A part of him could not help but question why he should feel responsible for the world at all though, just because of a premonition by none other than Trelawney, presented before he was even born.

The day flew by and soon dinner was over and they were heading for the train that would take the others home and Harry to the Dursleys.

It was still pouring down, and the moving mass of students was mostly covered by umbrellas in every color.

Just as Harry was about to board the train, following Ron and Hermione, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning his head he was surprised to see Dumbledore standing behind him, underneath a big lilac umbrella.

"Harry my boy, there has been a change of plans. You will not be returning to your relatives. If you would come with me to my office I will explain", Dumbledore said seriously.

Harry blinked. He wasn't going to return to the Dursleys? Well that was fine by him, but why? And where would he go instead? From Dumbledore's grave look he guessed he wasn't going to be allowed to just spend the summer with Ron's family.

"Harry? Are you coming or wh-"Hermione had come back out to get him. "Professor!" she said sounding surprised.

"Miss Granger", Dumbledore replied kindly, nodding at her. "I'm afraid Harry won't be coming with you. Due to sudden unexpected events Harry won't be returning to his relatives", he said calmly.

"Oh, then where will he go? Could he perhaps come spend the summer with me or Ron?"

"I'm afraid things are not quite that simple Ms. Granger. I do not want to go into detail out here though. I am sure Harry will write both you and Mr. Weasley later and tell you more. Now Harry and I must retreat to my office before discussing this further", Dumbledore told her pleasantly.

"Okay… write as soon as you can Harry", she said, looking at Harry uncertainly. Harry nodded at her. "I will Hermione", he replied, glancing at Dumbledore questioningly. Dumbledore just gestured for him to walk with him back to the castle. Harry waved helplessly to Hermione before hurrying along with the headmaster.

An hour later found Harry seated in an armchair opposite Dumbledore's desk, his eyes wide. Dumbledore had explained just why he would not be returning to the Dursleys who had apparently taken up and left the country merely a few hours ago.

Realizing the danger they were in by having a connection to Harry, housing him every year, but knowing Dumbledore would not have let them give up guardianship over their nephew, they had simply taken up and left.

Dumbledore did not know where they had gone, merely that they had left Britain. When they did this they automatically gave up custody of Harry by leaving him behind. The blood wards had fallen the moment they had crossed the British border without any intention to return for Harry.

Dumbledore had known the moment the wards fell, but then it was too late. They were forever erased and Harry had fallen into the custody of the ministry.

The ministry had yet to realize this. A document had appeared at the ministry the moment guardianship switched, but the machineries within the ministry would most likely not process the information until a few hours after the paper reached the pile.

When they did catch on though, Harry was in danger. The ministry was corrupt, infiltrated everywhere by Voldemort. This meant that Harry being under the control of the ministry meant he was also, indirectly under the control of Voldemort.

Dumbledore had just explained that they needed to switch over the guardianship of Harry before the papers which declared Harry a ward of the ministry were processed. This was difficult as any new guardian would have to be approved by the ministry. The only way to bypass their approval was…

"Marriage?" Harry questioned dully.

"Yes, if a marriage bond is already formed, there is nothing the ministry can do about it. If one of the spouses is underage while the other is of age, guardianship transfers automatically to the elder party of the union as the bond is completed", Dumbledore explained.

"But I can't get married, I'm only 15…" Harry tried helplessly.

"Once the binding ritual has been performed age doesn't matter, it's a magical as well as legal bond. The bond is breakable and you will of course be able to divorce when you come of age and are no longer in danger of falling into the ministry's clutches", Dumbledore said sounding apologetic. "It is the only possible way to transfer guardianship without the ministry interfering. Time is of the essence, the papers could be processed any moment now, and when they are officials from the ministry will come barging in, demanding you come with them", the headmaster finished.

"… Who then? Who am I supposed to marry?" Harry asked, hardly believing he needed to pose such a question.

"We have no time to lose, leaving the only possible candidates the people inside this school right now. The people currently within the walls of Hogwarts, excluding myself and you are; Professors Hagrid, Trelawney, Vector, Snape, Mr. Filch and Madam Pomfrey. Hagrid and Filch won't work; the old wizarding rites do not accept half-humans nor squibs as a party. Vector is already married, as is Madam Pomfrey. That leaves Sibylla and Severus…"

Harry stared at Dumbledore, horrified. "I have to marry Trelawney or Snape?"

"Yes… Severus is the preferable alternative; his cover was blown a few weeks ago, therefore he would not jeopardize anything further by being married to you, he is already one of Voldemort's most wanted. He is also a member of the order, which Sibylla is not, and is therefore a lot more thoroughly aware of just what part you are to play in the impending war. Besides that he is a very competent wizard, well able to defend you against possible attacks during the summer, while defense is hardly Sibylla's forte", Dumbledore stated.

Harry just stared at Dumbledore unblinking. "You want me to… marry… Snape?"

"We have no time Harry, he is the best option within close vicinity", Dumbledore said looking contrite.

"… What about you, professor?" Harry asked, grasping for any alternative.

"I must perform the ceremony Harry. I am the only person within this castle with both the knowledge of how to do this, as well as the legal authority; as a member of the wizengamot I have the right to perform such rituals", Dumbledore told him gently. "One cannot execute a binding, oneself being one of the participating parties, I'm afraid", he added.

"I see", harry replied weakly.

"Do you see that this is the only course of action we can take right now if you are to escape the ministry's clutches?" Dumbledore asked him seriously. Harry nodded reluctantly, still looking doubtful.

"Please wait here, I have to go find Severus and let him in on the situation. We will of course need his cooperation as well, but I am certain he will understand the necessity once I explain the circumstances to him", Dumbledore said, rushing out of the room.

Harry sat very still in his armchair waiting, his thoughts reeling. Then after only ten minutes or so the door behind him opened. Harry turned his head, spotting a very sour looking Snape entering along with a glum Dumbledore.

"Severus has agreed. We need to perform the ritual right away, before it is too late", Dumbledore said swiftly, stopping in the middle of the room. "Harry, Severus, if you would come both come stand before me", Dumbledore ordered next.

***

Half an hour later Dumbledore had completed the ceremony, binding the two very unenthusiastic parties together. They both now had a thin golden wedding band on their finger, symbolizing their unwilling union.

Dumbledore was currently explaining further what the bond meant.

"-and so, much like the blood wards on Privet drive Harry, your home needs to be with your husband for this bond to stay valid and strong. You must therefore spend at least your summer with Severus", Dumbledore went on, looking contrite.

_Lovely, looks like my summer is going to about as much fun as usual then, _Harry thought bitterly.

"-the bond needs to be consummated within the set time limit, or it will become null after the time limit has expired and Harry will fall into the hands of the ministry again. This time over, they will be prepared and we would have no time to make other arrangements, this cannot happen", Dumbledore said this last part a lot more quietly than his earlier statements.

"What do you mean consummated? I thought we just completed the ritual just now?" Harry asked confusedly.

"He doesn't know?" Snape snapped, speaking up for the first time since taking the vows included in the ritual.

"Know what?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"What does consummation usually refer to Potter, when speaking of the fulfillment of a marriage bond? What does a newly wedded couple usually do the night following their… union?" Snape asked him in a mocking tone.

Harry just stared at him for a moment before realization struck. "You don't mean..? That we'd have to… No, that cannot be right. He doesn't mean what I think, does he?" Harry asked, looking at Dumbledore pleadingly.

"I'm afraid it's true Harry. You need to consummate the bond for it to stay valid", Dumbledore informed him unhappily. "Only one single… act is required. Then the bond is sealed", he paused looking uncomfortable. "I am quite sure ministry officials will appear here soon enough. I will handle them when they do. It is however of outmost importance that your bond is sealed before the time limit expires tomorrow. Now, you both better move along to Severus' quarters, it is getting quite late and there is no point in you getting involved in the argument with the angry ministry representatives. I will see you both at breakfast tomorrow I trust", Dumbledore said, trying to offer Harry an encouraging smile. Harry's face must have reflected betrayal as that was what he felt, as he reluctantly followed Snape out of the office at Dumbledore's dismissal.

Harry mindlessly followed Snape through the corridors down to the dungeons, his head spinning with everything. They stopped before the portrait of a strict looking elderly woman in an armchair.

"Mundus vult decipi", Snape said in a neutral tone of voice.

The portrait swung open after throwing them a piercing look and they entered what Harry assumed to be Snape's living quarters.

He lifted his gaze which had been directed at the floor as he entered. They were in a murky living room. The walls, floor and furniture were all made out of a very dark wood. There was a fire burning in the fireplace casting some light on the room; this was the only light illuminating the shadowy room. The walls were lined with several bookcases filled with rows of thick volumes.

Snape motioned with his hand towards one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace. "Sit."

Harry who was still in shock obeyed without a thought. He glanced at Snape who was retrieving something from a cabinet on the other side of the room.

Thinking about what they were going to have to do within the next few hours made Harry queasy. This situation felt utterly surrealistic.

He kept hoping to himself it was all an absurd dream. He knew his mind wasn't this twisted though, deep down, he knew this was really happening.

The thought of the other man touching him disgusted him. First of all Harry had never been attracted to men, he held nothing against those who preferred their own gender, but he himself had never had that inclination, at all.

Secondly, aside from the fact that he was straight was the fact that this in fact was not any man, but a man he hated, a man who hated him even more fervently in return. He didn't find Snape physically attractive on any level, besides that Snape was one of the most unpleasant people Harry'd ever met, even taking into account his dreadful relatives.

Snape sat down in an armchair a few feet away, holding a bottle and two glasses. Pouring a liberal amount into each glass he handed Harry one. "Firewhisky", he informed curtly before downing his own glass. He instantly poured himself another one, looking even more severe than usual.

Harry sipped at his own drink frowning, this was stronger than anything he'd ever tasted before. He stared at Snape who was now downing his third glass. Snape looked up at him. "This was a very abrupt, extremely unwelcome turn of events. I could hardly have procured a worse scenario in my worst nightmare…" Snape muttered glaring at Harry as if this was all his fault.

"We will leave for my home, where I usually spend my summers, tomorrow. When we get there I expect you to stay out of my way, we will see as little of each other as possible while living under the same roof. After we get the… consummation over with all we need to do is share a… home. You will of course have your own room, where I expect you to stay as much of the time as possible, out of my sight. Yes, we will not have to see more of each other than absolutely necessary…" Snape muttered the last part wistfully, sounding like he was trying to convince himself. "As to the matter at hand… We have until tomorrow afternoon, 24 hours, but I suggest we get it over with as soon as possible", Snape said frowning horribly, Harry noted that he was well into his fifth glass of firewhisky. Harry had still hardly touched his first.

After Snape had downed the rest of the glass content he put the glass down hard on a small table beside his armchair, beside the half empty bottle of firewhisky.

"Follow me", Snape ordered frostily, standing abruptly. He swayed slightly before regaining his balance and walking to a door on the opposite end of the room.

Harry closed his eyes taking a deep breath. Looking down at the foul liquid in his glass and then at the open door through which Snape had disappeared he swallowed the glass contents in as big gulps as possible, frowning at the taste, before slowly approaching Snape's bedroom.

Almost immediately his mind felt slightly fuzzy. How Snape could have drunk five glasses of that stuff and still not be unsteadier than he was, Harry wondered.

Snape did look slightly affected now, swaying a bit where he stood with his arms folded in the middle of the room. He still managed to throw Harry a look of contempt as he entered.

"Take of your clothes and get into the bed", he ordered in the same cold tone he always used when addressing Harry.

Harry wanted to throw up. He didn't think he could do this. He was thankful he had forced down the alcohol though as the situation felt even more surreal with his fuzzy mind.

He knew he didn't really have a choice, Snape was right, it was better to just get this over with. Sitting down on the bed with his back to Snape he slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Standing up he removed all of his clothes, hanging them on a chair standing nearby. He tried not to think about Snape's presence in the room as he did this, pretending he was just getting ready for bed.

He quickly crawled under the bedcovers, feeling self-conscious nevertheless, being completely nude. Looking up again he saw Snape, also naked, rather ungraciously getting into bed as well.

The alcohol had really set in it seemed, Harry surmised as Snape looked at him with unfocused eyes.

"I'm topping", he stated in a no-arguments- tone of voice. Harry didn't really care; he didn't think he could do this either way.

He was starting to hyperventilate. He was in a bed. Naked. With Snape. This could not be happening. He closed his eyes, trying again to breathe deeply. He flinched and gasped as he was suddenly grabbed and turned over onto his stomach.

He felt and saw Snape kneeling behind him, laying half on top of him with his chest to Harry's back.

"Wait. Just wait, not yet", Harry gasped. Snape obviously wasn't listening as a cold slick finger abruptly entered him, making him cry out in both surprise and slight pain.

"No! No, stop, wait!" Harry tried to get the other man off of him. Snape however was much bigger than him and held him down effortlessly with his weight as well as a hand now pressing down on Harry's lower back, he was held firmly in place, unable to move.

"Please, Snape, let me go, I just need a minute", Harry pleaded nervously. This was all much too sudden and it felt horrible being held down like this.

Another finger entered him beside the first, Harry gasped for air, this hurt. The fingers scissored inside of him for a moment and it felt very uncomfortable. This all felt so wrong, Harry wanted nothing more than for it to be over, he wanted the fingers gone from his very private area and he wanted to be set free.

The fingers where removed and Harry could take a deep breath. The weight on top of him shifted and his legs were being pushed open wider. Hands roughly grabbed his hips on each side and then he felt like he was being torn apart. He couldn't even scream, the sound got stuck in his throat.

His eyes teared up from the pain and tears began rolling down his cheeks as Snape started pounding into him at a ruthless pace. Harry was quiet now, his breathing irregular, as he gasped and sobbed every now and then. A few minutes, which felt like hours to Harry, went by. Snape's pace increased, he slammed into Harry even more relentlessly than before. Then finally, Snape huffed before collapsing on top of Harry, who felt something wet spread deep inside of him.

Harry's breathing had already been irregular, now with the extra weight on top of him he felt like he was suffocating. Snape at last rolled over, off of Harry, immediately going to sleep.

Harry lay very still for a few minutes, still silently crying, staring vacantly before him. After getting his breathing under control he carefully turned over onto his side. His lower part hurt awfully as he moved.

With gritted teeth he slowly eased up into a sitting position, with his legs over the side of the bed. Then gradually he stood up.

He limped little by little towards a door he dearly hoped would lead to a bathroom, which to his relief it did.

Harry closed the door behind him and sank down to his knees, leaning heavily against the door with one hand. He had felt something wet running down his legs as he limped to the bathroom, and looking down he saw his thighs smeared in semen and blood. He managed to crawl over to the toilet before throwing up.

**Authors note:**

**Melodramatic and cliché, I know, but I just had to write one :P **

**This is not a fluffy story, and its main feature is melodrama, because I love angst. Also I'm a bit tired of all the forced marriage HP/SS-fics where they almost always end up falling in love and fluffluffluff and more fluff ensues. I wanted to try a different take. **

**Mundus vult decipi; the world wants to be deceived. **


	2. Never forgive, never forget

**Chapter two – Never forgive, never forget**

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus awoke with a terrible headache. He groaned and stretched keeping his eyes closed. Times like these made him grateful he didn't have windows in his quarters.

How much had he had to drink last night? He hadn't had a headache this bad in a long time. Sitting up he fumbled after the hangover potion he kept stored in his night table drawer.

Finding what he was looking for he drank down the contents of the small bottle down quickly, feeling his head clear.

That was when images of the events of the previous day started attacking his mind.

Merlin, he had been forced to marry Potter. His life could hardly get any worse.

He remembered how Dumbledore had explained to him that this was the only way to protect Potter from falling into the custody of the ministry and thereby into Voldemort's clutches and how Severus was regrettably the best candidate available to wed the boy.

Yesterday quickly came back to him more and more; he'd followed Albus to his office, the hurried ceremony, leading Potter back to the dungeons with him… Trying to drown his unpleasant reality in firewhisky…Severus froze.

After the liquor everything got a bit blurry, but he recalled fragments… They had to consummate the marriage… And they had, hadn't they?

Severus remembered like reminiscing a dream the feeling of a smaller body underneath his and the feeling of great pleasure being inside something so _tight _and hot… And a voice '_Please, Snape, let me go…'_

A frightened voice. Severus' breath caught. More flashes assaulted his mind; the body underneath his struggling, a scared voice, pleading. He sat frozen for a moment more before looking wildly around him. Where was the boy? He wasn't in the bed. It couldn't all have been a dream could it? Looking down at his left hand there was something that had not been there before yesterday; a simple gold wedding band. It was real, he was married to Harry Potter, and if the fragments he got from last night were any indication… Where was the boy?!

Severus threw back the covers swinging his legs onto the floor, when something red caught his attention.

He was completely naked and there was blood on him, down there… not his blood. Severus felt very cold all of a sudden. He covered himself up with a robe.

Looking down at the floor he saw some faint spots of red leaving a sparse trail towards the bathroom. Warily, Severus went to open the door.

_**Harry's POV**_

Harry awoke with a start. All was quiet around him. He would have felt blessed had the events of the previous day evaded him but for but a moment. He wasn't that lucky.

He knew instantly where he was. Opening his eyes he surveyed his surroundings. He was half lying in a large stone bathtub. He had a white towel wrapped around his waist and another one draped around his shoulders.

He had bathed, scrubbing himself for over an hour last night before letting the water out, wrapping himself up in the clean towels he thankfully found hanging beside the tub, and falling asleep.

He eased himself up with the help of his hands, stepping out of the tub. Cautiously opening the door he noted that Snape was still asleep. With a sigh of relief he grabbed his clothes before quietly going through the other door to the living room where he dressed, instantly feeling a lot better with clothes on.

What should he do? He wanted nothing but to hurry as far away as possible from the man sleeping in the other room. But what was the point? He had to follow Snape to his home, wherever that might be.

He had to live with Snape; his home had to be with his guardian for the bond to stay valid and for there to have been any point to all of this at all.

He hated the man now more than ever. He felt sick, there was nothing left in his stomach to throw up at this point, but he felt like throwing up nonetheless, he had to swallow back the bile that rose at the back of his throat.

That had been his first time. He had been raped for his first time. By a man who was old enough to be his father, a man who had been his teacher for year, someone who had, however reluctantly, protected him on several occasions.

Harry felt so revolted, he had never liked Snape, but he had trusted him to some degree. That was all gone now; he would never trust Snape again. Hell, he didn't know if he'd ever truly trust anyone again.

He knew they had needed to consummate their marriage. Snape had not needed to hurt him though; he chose to do that anyway.

He was drunk, so what? That was no excuse, if the man could not hold his liquor he should know so, and not get completely wasted before fucking his… oh Merlin, he was Snape's husband now, wasn't he? Did everything in his life always have to be so completely horrible?

Apparently so; Harry let out a sigh and leaned back into the armchair he had dropped down into. After spending the night in a bath tub the old worn armchair felt very comfortable, though it was very uncomfortable for him to sit straight.

Harry felt angry. That was the emotion strongest within him right now, he felt betrayed, violated, dirty, disgusted, and regret, but more than anything he felt cold fury.

He stood up pacing the room a bit, scanning the tomes in the bookcases absentmindedly, and silently contemplating his life with a very bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

No, he would never forgive Snape this; he knew that in his heart. But done was done, and that was all there was to it.

He would never let anyone do this to him again. Moody's favourite motto came to mind, 'constant vigilance', Harry couldn't help a small smile forming reminiscing Moody's paranoia. Well, the old ex-auror did have a point. Don't trust anyone, ever.

Harry caught his reflection in a silver picture frame on the mantel of the hearth. He did not recognize that bitter smile or the cold glint in his own eyes.

Abruptly he turned away from it. He walked with a slight limp as it pained him to move. He made his way over to the armchair again and took a seat, crossing his legs. He cleared his mind, schooling his expression blank.

He'd just wait until that alcoholic son of a bitch awoke so that they could get on their way, wherever they were going.

He was not going to give Snape the satisfaction of knowing he had hurt him… Other than physically at least, it would be difficult to hide his physical pain given the limp he'd probably be cursed with for a few days to come at the very least. He waited patiently.

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus found the bathroom to be empty. Where was the boy then? Severus wondered glancing about worriedly.

He washed and dressed quickly, storming into the main room of his quarters. There he found Harry seated in an armchair by the hearth, facing him.

Severus paused as the boy's gaze lifted and landed on him. That was an expression he'd never seen on Harry Potter before. The boy's face usually was so full of expression, now it was… blank.

It didn't suit him. They quietly looked at each other, neither ones face conveying anything of what its owner was feeling.

"Do you require any healing?" Severus asked, his voice coming out sounding harsher than he intended. Getting no answer Severus went on. "I realize I might have been a bit… brusque yesterday, if I was that was not my intention, I'm afraid I might have overindulged in my strongest brand of firewhisky, due to the unpleasantness of our situation", Severus said stiffly, in an even tone.

Harry was seething inside. That was the worst apology he'd ever heard. He made no reply, but simply stared coldly without blinking into Severus' empty black eyes.

Severus could see the brat wasn't going to answer. Fine, he couldn't be that hurt in that case, if he was in any real pain he would surely come whining right away, being the spoiled little Gryffindor prince he was.

What about the blood? A little voice inside his head wondered, still concerned. Severus suppressed this voice, throwing the boy one of his usual disdainful looks.

"We will be leaving after breakfast. Only a few members of the staff remain at the school during summer, the few who do however, eat in the great hall, where breakfast is offered also during holidays", Snape said crisply before walking towards the portrait leading out of his quarters. He turned around before exiting. "Your trunk as well as mine has already been forwarded to my location of residence; we will be flooing there following breakfast." With that Snape had swept out.

By eight Harry had at last made his way to the great hall. He had to walk very slowly and couldn't repress the occasional wince. As he entered the great hall he did his best to walk without a limp.

There was now only one table in the great hall; Hagrid, Madam Pomfrey, Dumbledore, Filch, Trelawney, Professor Vector and last of all… Snape, were already seated, having their breakfast.

Harry made his way over to the table with his eyes on the floor. The empty seat furthest away from Snape was beside Dumbledore… Whom Harry didn't really want to speak to right now either, but he'd rather not be in close proximity to Snape right now so he sat down beside the headmaster anyhow.

He could almost feel everyone's eyes on him as he took a seat. As he looked up most of them looked away quickly pretending they hadn't been staring. Except for Hagrid who tried giving him an encouraging smile, but ended up looked worried. Harry assumed Dumbledore must have told them of the new turn of events.

Lovely, Harry couldn't wait to know how the rest of the wizarding world would react to the news of the great Harry Potter being forced to wed an old ex death eater. That reminded him he'd better write his friends about this before it leaked to the papers. They must be worried already, seeing as he was held back when they had had to board the train home. Just a moment after Harry thought as much an owl came swooping down in front of him, with a letter signed by both Ron and Hermione asking him what happened and if he was alright. Harry sighed heavily; he'd write them later.

"How are you today Harry?" Dumbledore asked breaking Harry out of his thoughts. An undertone of concern was lacing the old man's voice as he looked at Harry with a piercing gaze.

Harry didn't meet his eyes. "Fine, Sir", he muttered to his plate. Dumbledore frowned slightly but did not say anything more, instead turning to engage Professor Vector who was seated on his other side, in conversation.

After breakfast Snape motioned for Harry to follow him and they immediately went to floo out of Hogwarts, to Snape's summer home on Spinners End.

The house was small, rather downtrodden and it had an uninviting air to it. Snape grudgingly gave him a tour of the house, which did not take long.

There was a kitchen, a living room and a bathroom on the first floor. On the second floor were three bedrooms, Harry was graciously informed which one of them he was allowed to inhibit for the summer, and further reminded once more that Snape expected him to spend most of his time in said bedroom, out of sight.

The bedroom was not very big, but neither was it tiny. It held a simple bed, a wardrobe, and lastly a desk and a chair in front of the one window.

Left alone in his room he unpacked some parchment, ink and a quill and sat down at the desk to write his friends about what had transpired. He doubted very much they were even going to believe him.

Watching Hedwig fly off with the finished letters he sighed. "Well, at least there are no bars in front of the window," he muttered to himself.

He was going to be practically alone for the summer, so he might as well start talking to himself.


	3. A shocking revelation

**Chapter three – A shocking revelation**

Harry and Snape had resided in the shabby house at Spinners End almost six weeks. Snape worked every day in his potions lab in the basement, meanwhile Harry kept mostly to his room doing homework or reading. He went out exploring in the neighborhood every now and then but as it was only safe for him to remain within a limited area he could not go far.

He shared the occasional meal with Snape, usually dinner, but other than that they avoided each other like the plague.

Harry had exchanged several letters with Ron and Hermione, who were very concerned about him. They had both been horrified at the news that Harry had been forced to marry, even more so that he'd had to marry Snape. Ron had not even believed him at first, answering his first letter with '_That is very funny Harry; now tell me what really happened.'_

After Harry finally had him convinced of his truthfulness Ron had written a long parchment full of condolences, mixed up with a lot of swearing. Hermione's first reaction had been countless questions, most along the line of '_Is that even legal?'_

After they had gotten over the initial shock they had both been a great support though, and he knew it was a good thing he had informed them before the news had reached the rest of the wizarding world.

Things were going as well as could be expected. Except Harry had not been feeling well lately; at first it had only been fatigue. Then, the last week or so he had become frequently nauseous, actually having vomited on several occasions.

He had at first assumed that he must have come down with a stomach bug, which was strange as he had not been in contact with anyone lately, other than Severus and even that was to a very small degree. Also a stomach bug would not have lasted this long.

***

During dinner nausea crept up on him again as he poked at the food on his plate.

"Is the food not up to the standards of the great boy who lived?" Snape suddenly sneered at him from across the table, giving him a dirty look.

Harry pushed down his annoyance. Perhaps Snape had a potion that would make this sickness whatever it was, pass.

"I'm just not feeling well. I must have come down with something; I've been nauseous for days… Have you felt anything of the sort?"

Snape stared at him hard. The boy did look a bit paler than usual. "I cannot say I have. I have some medical training, I could run a diagnosis test after dinner, and then I will most likely know the right remedy for what you've managed to catch", Snape said coolly before turning his attention back to his dinner, ignoring Harry once more. Harry nodded, continuing to push around the pieces of food on his plate while waiting for Snape to finish eating.

When he was done Snape gestured for Harry to follow him into the living room, where he sat down on the worn coach.

"This should just take a moment", Snape said in a bored tone as he waved his wand, performing an incantation. There was a yellow glow surrounding Harry for an instant before a paper appeared floating in the air in front of Snape, a paper with some text on it.

Snape snatched it up and stared at it for the longest time. At first his gaze had been dispassionate, but then his eyes had widened and he adopted a shocked expression.

"This… This cannot be right…" the man muttered to himself not taking his eyes of the paper.

"What? What's wrong?" Harry asked anxiously, wondering what could have made Snape loose his composure. Snape looked to be thinking intensely, and then he looked as if realization had struck.

"I… This is… No…" Snape lifted his gaze, his face holding a horrified expression. "No… No, no, no!" the man chanted, his voice rising in volume with every 'no'. He had brought his hands up to his face, falling bonelessly into the armchair behind him.

Harry frowned in confusion. After a few long moments the man lowered his hands, meeting his eyes. Snape looked much paler than usual, which was saying something. Harry sent him an inquiring look clearly conveying something along the lines of: 'what the hell is your problem?'

"Am I sick?" Harry asked tentatively, wondering why that would upset Snape to such a degree.

"… No… Tell me, the night of the consummation…" Harry stiffened recalling the traumatic event.

"What about it?" He bit out through gritted teeth.

"I didn't cast any… I didn't cast any contraception spell, did I?"

"…Any what?"

"Contraception spell Potter!" Snape snapped. "Protection."

"Why would we need..?" Harry's eyes narrowed. "Are you telling me you have given me some sort of STD?" he asked warily.

Snape let out a short bitter laugh. "Oh, I only wish Potter, I only wish. It seems… It seems we didn't use any contraception charm… Because you are now pregnant", Snape uttered the last word making it sound like it was poisonous.

Harry gave him a blank look. Then he chuckled slightly. "Uhm, Professor, if you hadn't noticed, I am a man. I cannot under any circumstances become pregnant", Harry stated with a snort.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "You actually mean to tell me that you are not aware wizards can conceive? I realize you were raised by muggles but I would have thought that even you would have learned of such a major fact… "Snape trailed off.

"… Are you serious?"

"Potter, when have you ever known me to be anything less than serious?" Snape asked grimly.

"… You mean… You mean I am…"

"Yes. You are", Snape replied in the kind of tone one might use when telling someone a loved one has just died a horrible painful death.

"This cannot possibly be…" Harry stared off into space. This could not be true, could it? Nevertheless, Snape was not the kind of person to pull a joke, ever. "What do we do? What are we supposed to do about that?" Harry wondered aloud in a flat tone, feeling completely lost as the information slowly sank in.

Snape looked graver than Harry had ever before seen him. "There is not much we can do. A male pregnancy is very closely connected to the carriers' magical core, which is why abortion is next to impossible as well as illegal to perform on them. Aborting or miscarrying in the case of a male pregnancy is an extreme danger to the carrier, the death probability rate about 50%. You have no choice but to carry the… the child to term. What to do then is, I believe, a later issue. You must at present time be about six weeks along, as that was when we…" Snape paused, and for a moment he looked almost hopeful. He stared at Harry. "There is not a chance someone else is the father of your… child is there? Did you have sexual intercourse with anyone else in the weeks prior to our… encounter six weeks ago?"

Harry, who was still shell shocked by everything just revealed, just looked at him with an empty gaze, his mind reeling. "… What? No… Never before", he mumbled as he looked down at his own flat stomach in disbelief. Snape's shoulders sank. "You mean there is actually a baby in there?" Harry asked doubtfully, sounding uneasy.

"A fetus, yes… You should see a healer as soon as possible, for a more detailed check-up…" Snape murmured. "I will make arrangements for Poppy to come here, she is the only one we can be positively sure will not leak this information… This was the worst… I cannot believe I could be so reckless", Snape mumbled mostly to himself looking defeated.

"I… how does this work?" Harry asked looking up from his stomach. "How does this…?"

"Madame Pomfrey will be well able to answer all of your questions, I think it will be best if you ask her", Snape muttered into his hands, which were again covering his face.

Harry could not believe this, but at the same time, at the back of his mind his instincts recognized this to be real. He leaned back into the coach closing his eyes.

"I will need to contact Dumbledore first of all… This will affect everything", he heard Snape's voice say, sounding fainter at the end of the statement as the man walked into another room.

Harry's mind was pure chaos; he needed some time for this news to sink in before he could truly consciously accept it. He sat with his eyes closed thinking for a while. Snape did not return.

***

He must have drifted off as the next thing he knew, he awoke to hear two voices involved in a conversation in the adjacent room.

Snape's and Dumbledore's voices travelled in faintly from the kitchen. Standing up he moved closer to the closed door until he could make out what was being said.

"- can that be? I do not understand Severus. Magical protection, a simple contraception spell cast is a 100% reliable. I cannot imagine you neglecting something so important. What were you thinking? I realize it was a stressful, uncomfortable situation, but I cannot believe that you would overlook taking such imperative precautions… How could you have let this happen?" this was the first time Harry had heard Dumbledore sound genuinely upset. He sounded troubled, but more than anything disbelieving, like he didn't think this could really be true, or like he wished it wasn't.

Snape sighed heavily. "I… It was a terrible turn of events, a nightmarish situation which arose very abruptly… I suppose I just didn't think to… take safety measures. It doesn't matter now anyhow, it is too late to undo this, we will just have to find a way to deal with this situation", Snape said with an uncharacteristically quiet voice.

"I simply cannot accept the idea that you would forget something like that, it is completely unlike you. You are accustomed to being thrown into unexpected and highly pressured situations and still keep your composure, your mind attentive. You have survived years as a spy, I cannot believe you would lose your ability to take well thought out decisions in any circumstance. I ask you again Severus, how could this happen?"

There was a long quiet pause. Harry wished he could see their expressions, the silence felt very strained.

"I… I… The situation was very unpleasant, for both me and Potter. I sat us down before… and we had a few drinks. I thought it would take the edge off of things… make matters seem less disagreeable and make it easier to get through the consummation." Harry scowled at the door; _'we'_ had a few drinks indeed. "I suppose in light of the, to me very nasty turn my life had just taken, I might have overindulged, rendering my decision making abilities less reliable than they would otherwise have been. Potter apparently did not even know of the possibility of males conceiving, having been brought up in the muggle world and being ever hopeless at paying attention to anything around him… That is how this… how this could happen, I suppose", Snape's voice was its usual monotone but Harry thought he could detect some shame in it.

There was an even longer pause than before.

Then Dumbledore spoke: "I cannot even begin to convey how utterly disappointed I am in you Severus. I have trusted you with a lot throughout the years, wholly and absolutely. Harry is the most important responsibility I have ever entrusted with you, and you have failed miserably. I cannot even… I do not understand how you could be so irresponsible, so thoughtless. Like you already stated however, there is nothing we can do to undo what has already been done. We must decide how to handle this situation, immediately", Dumbledore's voice had gone from reflecting contained anger, to disappointment, to a cold reasoning tone that sounded scary even from a distance, directed at someone else.

"This renders Harry more vulnerable than ever, at the worst possible time. Where is Harry? He must be a part of the discussion of how we are to handle this. This affects him the most after all", Dumbledore continued in the same cold tone, which Harry had only ever heard him use before when he addressed Voldemort back at the ministry a few months ago… Thinking about that, Harry's thoughts drifted to Sirius… _No!_ He would not go there now, he felt horrible enough as it was at the moment. He would not cry with Dumbledore and Snape probably about to enter the room at any moment.

Speaking of which he should sit back down, keeping up some amount of pretense he had not been listening in on their conversation.

"Last I saw him he was in the living room… he sat down there when I ran my scan and discovered…"

"I trust you explained his current condition?"

"I told him of it and enlightened him to the fact that yes, wizards can conceive. I thought it best Madam Pomfrey explain any-"

Harry moved back to sit on the sofa he had occupied before. They would come looking for him soon enough, and so he simply sat there staring out in thin air, contemplating how strange life was. Well, his life anyway. What would a normal life be like? He supposed he'd never know…

Oh god, he was going to be a father. He was… he was carrying a child. His life sure had a knack for taking very dramatic turns.

Harry felt it his prerogative to feel a bit sorry for himself. Things like this only ever happened to him. He tried clearing his mind for a moment. He calmed slightly and regained his composure, staring at the ugly chair standing in a corner of the room; it was dressed in a fabric with one of the most dreadful patterns he'd ever laid eyes upon.

A minute more went by before the door leading to the kitchen opened. Harry turned his head to stare blankly at Snape, followed closely by Dumbledore, as they entered the room.

Snape sat down in the same armchair he had fallen into earlier during his throes of misery following the news of his impending fatherhood.

Snape, the other father of Harry's baby… Harry had barely even contemplated that. He was going to have a child with _Snape._ That was not something he could ever have imagined happening.

Looking up at Dumbledore, he saw the man still standing by the door, eyeing him with the saddest look Harry'd ever seen on him. He had been regretful when Sirius died, but he somehow looked worse now.

Harry could hardly have matched that sad face to the cold voice he had heard minutes before, had he not known they belonged to the same person.

Dumbledore finally approached and took a seat in the second armchair, a small distance apart from Snape and across from Harry.

"Severus has informed me of your situation", Dumbledore started up, in a much kinder tone than that he had used in his previous conversation with Snape. "I hear you have just found out about your condition an hour or so ago, and I understand if you have not yet taken the full significance of this in, but we need to discuss how this will affect everything immediately and decide how we should act", Dumbledore continued.

Harry noticed that the twinkle in his eyes was much dimmer than usual, though it was there, which was reassuring.

"I'm so sorry Harry. You have been burdened with so much responsibility, so much resting on your shoulders as it is… You have already had to sacrifice so much of what should have been your childhood… and this is perhaps the greatest transition you will be forced to make as of yet. You are still so young. A child is of course always a precious gift, but you should have had a choice and a life prospering with the outlook of continued peace. Instead we are facing a war and you have yet to turn 16."

Being reminded of this last fact Snape looked decidedly uncomfortable.

"I just wish so many things in your life had been fully your own choice Harry. Marriage is another thing that should have been something you would have gotten to choose for yourself, with love as a major factor, but in the situation we were in I gave the advice I thought best, presented the only solution I could find with the little time we had. I am sorry, I wish that you could have had an easier life", Dumbledore said in a calm, low tone of voice, looking at Harry with a small sad smile.

Harry couldn't speak, being addressed so kindly, already being so distressed he felt a lump in his throat. He simply nodded meeting Dumbledore's gaze, trying to silently convey he didn't blame him and that he understood.

Dumbledore took a deep breath, sighing. "As soon as I get back to Hogwarts I will ask that Madam Pomfrey come here as soon as possible and give you a full check up, making sure everything is as it should be with you and the child you are expecting", Dumbledore said, his gloominess visibly dissipating.

Harry thought he saw the twinkle in the headmasters eyes intensify slightly at the mention of the child.

"It would be very bad if Voldemort learned of your pregnancy, as he would then know how much more vulnerable you are going to be for quite some time to come, and with all probability plan an attack. Your marriage is of course already commonly known, as it took only a few days from when the documents appeared at the ministry for the information to leak to the press."

Harry was well aware of this. Snape had gotten quite a few howlers the first couple of weeks, which had been heard throughout the house each morning, reflecting the public's dissatisfaction with their union.

Apparently there had also been extensive articles and a lot of speculation in the daily prophet about them, something Harry had merely heard mentioned by his friends in letters as he could no longer bring himself to read that trash.

"As Severus' cover as a spy had already been blown, this did not matter, it could however prove very dangerous if Voldemort knew of your current condition. It is best that this pregnancy is kept a secret. As you return to Hogwarts I believe it would be perfectly alright however to inform your closest friends, Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley if you wish, their knowledge of your condition would probably be advisable even, as they can provide some extra protection".

Harry nodded, it would have been almost impossible for him to hide something like this from them anyhow, and he could definitely need someone to talk to about it.

"To begin with, hiding the state you're in should not constitute much of a problem. You will go to Madam Pomfrey for regular check-ups; it is best if no one were to notice your frequent visits to the hospital wing, of course. For the first few months there won't be any visual evidence of your condition, but as your pregnancy progresses we will need to cast glamours to conceal the obvious indicators that you are expecting. This could all prove difficult if you share a room with the other boys in Gryffindor tower. You will need to have the glamours down as much of the time as possible, especially during sleep, as it puts stress on your body to be under them constantly. Discovery would be too easy, housing with the others. Then there is the matter that it would be noticeable if you had to visit the hospital wing frequently." Dumbledore frowned slightly.

"My suggestion must therefore be Harry that you live in Severus quarters also during the school year. I'm sorry; I understand if you would prefer keeping your life as normal is possible. However if you live in Severus private quarters you have not only the extra protection of a fully trained wizard, but the privacy ensuring no one unknowing will catch sight of you when you are not wearing a glamour concealing your condition. Also Madam Pomfrey can visit by floo, eliminating the problem of someone noticing your recurrent check-ups".

Harry grimaced. He hated Snape; living with him was not something he enjoyed in the slightest. However he could not deny that Dumbledore's reasoning was logical. He would miss Gryffindor tower though, it was the one place that felt like his home.

"I understand, you're right", Harry said reluctantly, "I will agree to move down into the dungeons."

Dumbledore sent him a beaming smile, "I believe that is a most wise decision my boy, it will make matters much simpler. I will extend Severus' quarters to include an extra bedroom and adjoining bathroom before the start of term", he informed.

Harry was relieved at this; he had worried for a moment that he might have to share a room with Snape.

Speaking of Snape, Harry realized Dumbledore had not even asked him if he would agree to have Harry living in his quarters. Harry glanced at the man who wore a sour expression, and had his lips perched tightly, but didn't utter a word.

"Very well, that takes care of our main problem", Dumbledore said, looking a lot more cheerful than a few minutes ago. "If we're lucky Voldemort might not find out about your pregnancy at all, which would be most excellent. Even if he doesn't manage an attack during your pregnancy, the child if Voldemort knew about it, would become a target as it would be an effective way of getting to you", he said mournfully. Harry realized this too of course.

"As I said before, Madam Pomfrey will be here sometime soon, probably tomorrow as I'll make sure to inform her of the situation as soon as I get back. I think I'd best leave the two of you for now, it is getting quite late", Dumbledore said briskly. "Everything will be alright in the end I'm sure, my boy", he said leaning forward and sending Harry a full dose of the twinkle, which had returned to the headmaster's eyes full force. He smiled benevolently, "I will come for a visit again, sometime before the summer ends. In the meantime I want you to make sure you take good care of yourself Harry", the headmaster said getting to his feet.

"Yes, thank you, Sir", Harry said offering the headmaster a tentative smile.

Dumbledore turned to Snape with a, Harry thought, much colder look painting his features. "Severus", he said frostily giving a nod in his direction, before leaving for the kitchen, closing the door behind him, presumably to floo out.

Harry stared at the closed door for a few moments before turning to look at Snape. He was still seated in the exact same position as before, seemingly not having moved an inch. He appeared too lost in thought to even notice Harry's eyes on him. Harry wondered what he was thinking, but Snape's expression was as unreadable as ever.


	4. Terrible realization

**Chapter four – Terrible realization**

_**Severus' POV**_

Dumbledore had finally left after pretty much deciding how they were going to act and getting the boy to agree. The headmaster had not been pleased with Severus at all, unsurprisingly.

Severus could hardly blame him for his disappointment in him, Severus himself could barely comprehend he could have been so careless. Now the boy was going to be living in his quarters all year, oh joy.

Severus couldn't help but silently wallow in self pity. Whenever he didn't think his life could get any worse it did, one way or the other.

The actual cause of this afternoon's commotion had hardly even really hit him until now. Potter was pregnant, with _his _child. That was unbelievable, and just… so fucked up on so many levels.

Potter, a student whom he had despised and reluctantly taught since the brat came to Hogwarts at eleven, so small but such an annoyingly big reminder of James Potter. He envisioned Potter at eleven in his mind and all of a sudden he felt ill.

That _boy_, not man, boy, was carrying his child and he, Severus Snape, was going to be a father. He was going to have a child with an infuriating brat he still viewed as a child, which was even more disturbing. What had he done?

Thinking of said brat he abruptly looked up realizing that Potter was staring at him rather intently. Snape stared back. The boy looked disconcerted, which was hardly surprising following tonight's revelation.

Taking in the boys appearance he noted that at least he didn't look eleven anymore. Wearing the oversized muggle clothing he for some reason seemed to favor, he looked younger than he otherwise would have though. Those large green eyes, wide with worry didn't help either.

Severus couldn't stand looking at this _child _anymore; it was promoting his feelings of self disgust too much for his liking.

"It is rather late and it has been a rather… eventful day. I will be going to bed soon, I suggest you do the same", he said in his usual monotone, though without the sneer he usually accompanied anything he directed at Potter.

"… Yeah, I guess", the boy replied quietly, still looking utterly unsettled. "Goodnight then. I guess I'll see you in the morning", he mumbled, standing up from the couch.

"Yes, good night", Severus replied flatly, as the boy who seemed rather far away in thought ascended the staircase.

Severus stayed seated in the armchair for a few minutes. His mind was still reeling too much for there to be any real point attempting sleep just yet. He had just wanted to get the boy out of his proximity as his presence was making him increasingly uncomfortable. Instead of climbing the stairs he wandered mindlessly into the kitchen. Staring at the fireplace he decided to pay a quick visit to Hogwarts. He could not stop thinking about how he could have let himself become so out of it he didn't even take the necessary precautions. He hated to admit it, but his memories from the consummation were very obscure, all he could remember clearly were the events up until his third or so drink. He was going to find out the details tonight.

A pensieve was not going to work as his memories of the night were hazy and incomplete at best and he was not going to ask Potter for his memories. Instead he knew a spell that would work perfectly for this, a spell which when cast on a room would mirror the events taking place in that specific room on the date and time one concentrated on when casting it.

It was not long before he entered the familiar bedroom of his quarters, for now the only one. But that was soon going to change he realized bitterly.

What time had it been when they came down that day from Dumbledore's office? He remembered vaguely that the clock above the hearth in the living room area had showed about half past eight when they arrived… Then they had sat down with the drinks for a while, the consummation should have happened around nine. He cast the spell thinking of ten to nine the 16th of June 1997.

For the first few minutes the room was empty. Then he saw himself enter through the door, leaving it wide open. He watched how his other self swayed where he stood in the middle of the room.

_No wonder I don't remember anything, I look completely wasted._

A few moments later Potter walked in through the door, looking nervous. His other self ordered the boy to undress and get in the bed, which he did. He watched how the boy got in under his covers looking very uncomfortable, closely followed by his uncharacteristically clumsy self.

Potter looked close to hyperventilating and had his eyes closed, trying to control his breathing. His other self pounced on him after only a moment though, forcing the boy onto his stomach and settling his weight on top of him so that he couldn't move.

_What am I doing? Don't I realize he's panicking? _Severus was getting an uncomfortable cold feeling in his gut. He had been absolutely wasted, too wasted to notice or pay any attention to what the boy was saying or feeling.

"_**Wait. Just wait, not yet"**__, _Potter gasped. Snape's other self wasn't listening at all as he had procured some lube which he had smeared two fingers in before proceeding to without hesitation shove one inside the boy.

"_**No! No, stop, wait!"**_ Potter was starting to really struggle now, but it was of no use, the boy was so much smaller than him, he was held down by the weight of the fully grown man on top of him.

"_**Please, Snape, let me go, I just need a minute"**_, the boy pleaded, sounding so scared Severus found himself getting angry at his past self for not listening to him.

His other self kept going, having already added another finger. He soon removed them though, seemingly impatient. Pushing the boy's legs forcefully further apart, Severus of a few weeks ago shoved himself in, and with barely any pause at all he started pounding into the boy at an unyielding pace.

Severus could hardly believe how rough he had really been. Not only had he not listened to Potter's scared pleas to give him time to mentally prepare, he had held him down. Worse yet, he had not prepared him very well. As far as he knew Potter had been a virgin, and would thus have needed a lot more thorough preparations than that not to experience unnecessary pain.

The way his old self was pounding into him fast and hard looked brutal. Potter was no longer protesting though. Stepping closer Severus realized he was crying, sobbing quietly with every few thrust.

Severus felt horrible. He thought he may have been a little brusque, but this was much worse than that. He had actually raped Potter, quite violently at that. He hoped it would be over soon and at last his old self climaxed, collapsing in a boneless heap on top of the smaller body beneath his.

_So that was the conception of our child… Merlin, this is terrible. _

Severus from the past finally rolled off of Harry who didn't move for a while. When he finally very carefully turned over, slowly getting into a sitting position he looked to be in a great deal of pain, and Severus felt guilt gnawing away at his insides. The boy shakily got to his feet, starting to limp his way towards the bathroom. That was when Severus noticed not only semen, but quite a lot of blood as well sliding down the insides of the boy's legs, some even dripping to the floor. As Harry closed the door to the bathroom behind him Severus left the memory.

Back in present time Severus leaned against the closest wall, before sinking to the floor where he sat rocking slightly, back and forth with his hands so tightly fisted his nails dug painfully into the flesh of his hands.

_What has become of me?_

***

An hour later Severus had made his way back to Spinners End. With heavy feet he climbed the stairs, feeling worse than he had in a long time. Worse than any agony, any physical pain was the feeling of guilt washing over him in unrelenting waves of misery.

The door to the boy's bedroom was the first one of the three doors in the short corridor on the second floor; having mounted the stairs Severus noticed that first door slightly ajar. After a moment's hesitation he stretched out his hand, pushing it open.

Quietly entering the room he could hear Potter's deep even breathing coming from the bed. Walking closer he got a full view of the boy, who was hugging his pillow with one arm, the other hand clutching the covers up to his chin. His mouth was slightly open in sleep and the boy looked… so very much like a little boy. He looked younger than ever, with his face relaxed and his hair mussed up.

Severus didn't know how long he stood there staring. Feeling something dripping down his chin he woke from his trance, lifting a hand to feel his face. It came away wet.


	5. Angry disclosure

**Chapter five – Angry disclosure**

_**Harry's POV**_

As usual for him, Harry was instantly aware of everything that had happened the previous day, the moment he awoke. Stretching out on his back he studied the ceiling. It was white, but old and it had a few small cracks in it. Lifting his right arm he traced the patterns with his index finger in the air above his head.

He would have thought that the impact of everything revealed the previous night would have kept him awake, but he had been so drained he had fallen asleep as soon as he laid down. This was probably a good thing as coming to terms with… this, would perhaps be somewhat easier after a good night's sleep. Not that it felt any less surreal in the light of morning.

On the contrary it felt like a strange dream, but he knew his memories didn't lie. He was… He could not even phrase the word in his mind right now. How was he going to live with… this? How was his life going to be? Not that his life had been simple or normal or his future looking bright before this… But this…

How was he going to tell Ron and Hermione? Ron was raised in the wizarding world so he must know males could conceive… Hermione probably knew as well, having come across it in some book.

How could Harry have missed something as immense as the possibility of a wizard bearing children? If this was really a fact, which obviously it was, how was it that he had never heard of it before? Of course he would never have thought it concerned him anyhow until now, he wasn't even gay. Hogwarts offered no sexual education, which now that he thought about it was a bit strange, but he supposed due to the overall conservative ways of the wizarding world.

He supposed this particular subject just happened to have never come up around him, which was unfortunate. The biggest shock of all in this was originally, for him, the fact that males could even conceive. Now as his mind had finally accepted that, something he always would have thought impossible, something even more shocking was all he could focus his thoughts on.

He was going to have a child. To begin with his mind felt blank, but as he analyzed the full meaning of this he became progressively more fearful at the thought. How was this ever going to be okay? He would not be able to face Voldemort carrying… And even when the baby was born, if Harry faced Voldemort and didn't make it, which with all probability he wouldn't, he would leave his child behind.

He could not do that, he would not do that. He had always sworn that if he ever had children, they would have a home, they would be loved; he would make sure of it.

If he was no longer here there would be no guarantees. No, he would not bring a child into this world just to leave it as alone and abandoned as he had been.

This was just not fair, he could not do this. If he had this child, he would not risk his life and risk leaving the child as alone as he himself had been.

Of course the child had another parent; a voice in his mind reminded him. Staring at the longest crack in the ceiling Harry tried to imagine Snape as a father. The very thought gave him chills. Snape hated most of the students, especially the younger less knowledgeable ones. He held impossible standards and those whom he felt didn't meet them he mocked and ridiculed.

Thinking about what kind of parent Snape would be… No, Harry would never leave any young child alone with Snape, let alone his own. His own…

_Well I always wanted a family_, Harry thought bitterly. He never thought it would really happen at all, but he never could have even imagined it happening this way.

But the fact was he was going to have a family member some months from now. Thinking about it like that felt astonishing. He had not had any real family since he was too young to remember. He wouldn't be alone anymore… But he would be responsible for another life.

Harry sat up. He should get dressed and go down for breakfast. Madam Pomfrey would probably floo in sometime today.

Getting dressed and brushing his teeth he remembered he still had not really talked much about this with Snape. He wondered what the other man was thinking. He had seemed very distressed at the news yesterday.

No wonder, this must be his worst nightmare coming true; not only becoming a father, but mixing his blood with a Potter. Harry actually smirked at this. He felt no sympathy for Snape; this was after all his fault. What sane person got himself drunk out of his mind before… No, he would not think about that.

Entering the kitchen Harry spotted Snape at the table nursing a cup of coffee. Snape looked a bit worse for wear; he had bags under his eyes indicating he had not found sleep as easily as Harry and although he had on his usual mask of indifference there was something in his eyes which looked… wrong. Harry couldn't identify what emotion that was, but Snape's gaze was not quite as empty as was normal for him.

Snape's eyes flickered towards Harry, though Harry got the feeling he wasn't really looking at him as he appeared lost in thought. Harry just gave Snape a peculiar look before turning his back on him to make a sandwich. He then sat down at the table, opposite Snape. The silence was awkward, but Harry couldn't think of anything to say. It was too late for a greeting like 'good morning' and though he knew they needed to talk about the fact that they were going to have a child he just didn't know where to start.

He ate most of his sandwich in silence, before Snape finally spoke.

"It was my responsibility to take the necessary precautions during the consummation. I apologize for neglecting to do so; I am entirely to blame for this." Harry didn't say anything but silently agreed. "I did not handle the situation we were in well, at all. I'm… sorry." Harry gaped and opened his mouth to reply but before he could Snape continued; "I have considered the situation carefully. As you already know we cannot abort the fetus. You will have to carry it to term; therefore it is of course essential that you are well protected from the dark lord in the meantime. After the birth however, we are back to where we were before this situation arose. In the long run, this changes nothing." Snape had his usual blank mask fully in place now.

His voice monotone he continued; "As to the child, I believe it would be best to give it up for adoption anonymously. People who want harm to it, as well as many others simply looking for the glory of raising the child of the famous boy-who-lived would fight over the chance to have it if they knew whose it was. An anonymous adoption is the best option and is most likely easier to achieve in the muggle world than in the wizarding world."

Harry stared at Snape for several moments. Had he just heard him say that? Even for Snape that was… _that bastard. _Harry fumed inside, but he would not lose his temper.

"That may very well be your opinion, Snape, but this is my child and I will not give it up to some strangers. I will take care of it. If you want no involvement, that's fine by me, but you cannot make me give up my child." Harry stated, meeting Snape's gaze unblinking.

"Don't be foolish Potter. Not only are you too young to take care of a child by yourself, we are about to fight a war. A war in which you are to play a major part, you have _nothing_ to offer a child." Snape said harshly, in a tone leaving no room for arguments.

"That is I believe, up to me to decide", Harry answered coldly.

"Actually Mr. Potter no, it is not. Or have you forgotten the whole purpose of this farce of a marriage? I am your legal guardian, until the day you turn of age. As such I have the power to make decisions such as these for you, as I see fit."

Harry froze and felt all color drain from his face. He had not even thought about that. He was still a few days shy of his 16th birthday; he would not yet have turned 17 when the baby was due.

_No! I will not let that happen. I don't care what I have to do; I will not let him take my child from me. That bastard! After everything he has done to me, he is going to… No. I will not let him, I will find a way._

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus watched as Potter paled and the determined look in his eyes morphed into one of horror. He felt bad, but the boy had to realize that this was for the best. This was for his own good, as well as the child's. Potter was not ready to raise a child; he was still a child himself.

Also, if anything should happen to both he and Severus himself in the war, which was likely, the child was better off already secured with a good family.

No, this was the way it had to be. Potter was now looking at him with pure hatred shining out of his eyes.

That was fine, let Potter hate him, he was making the right decision as far as he was concerned and Potter would just have to come to terms with that. He was not going to change his mind and there was nothing the boy could do to stop him from doing as he deemed best.

The floo went off at that moment and Madam Pomfrey appeared. Severus had always gotten along better with her than most of his other colleagues; Severus came across her regularly when he delivered potions to the hospital wing and they had always been on somewhat friendly terms.

Now however, she sent him a very disapproving look, with her lips perched tight as she nodded at him. "Severus." He returned the nod, saying nothing. She turned to Potter, the look on her face instantly shifting into one of concern.

"Mr. Potter, you knew I was coming I take it?"

"Yes, do you know…?" Potter asked uncertainly.

"Yes, the headmaster has told me of your condition. I suggest we take this someplace you can lie down as I run my scans", she continued. The boy nodded and got up, gesturing for her to follow him.

Severus hesitated in their wake. Should he go after them? The child was as much his as Potter's, but both him and Poppy seemed rather hostile at the moment.

He decided against it and remained sitting, looking down at the cup of cooling coffee before him.

_**Harry's POV**_

Harry had led Madam Pomfrey up into his bedroom. He would have settled for the living room where there was a big couch, but he'd wanted to get further away from Snape. He had been lying on his bed staring at the cracks in the ceiling for a few minutes now, while Madam Pomfrey ran some kind of tests. His thoughts wandered. He had to find a way to keep his baby, he just had to. He'd known about it less than 24 hours, but this was his child, he would not abandon it for anything. Also it was, however inconvenient and unplanned for, what he had always wanted; his family. He would not let Snape take that away from him.

"Everything appears to be in order", the mediwitch suddenly spoke. "You are healthy, as is the child. You have a slight vitamin deficiency, which will be easily remedied by a supplement. I will ask Severus to brew one for you. You are almost exactly six weeks along, but I suppose you already knew that?" She questioned, looking at him intently.

Harry sat up meeting her gaze somewhat confusedly. "Yeah", he muttered. She nodded while writing down her findings in his chart.

"Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?" She asked.

"Yes…" Harry didn't even know which one to voice first. "How does this work? How can a male be pregnant, I don't have any of the right… parts."

"Wizards can bear children thanks to their magic. A male pregnancy is connected to the carrier's magical core, which makes the pregnancy possible even though males don't have, as you said, 'the right parts'. How this works exactly is quite complicated and I suggest you consult a book if you want a detailed description. However just like in a female pregnancy, a male conceives through intercourse, though in their case anal." She explained.

Harry felt himself blush slightly, as he avoided looking into her eyes. "Okay… But how does it… come out?"

"Until the baby is due a male pregnancy progresses exactly like a female one, the symptoms are all the same. As to the birth, the magic of the male carrier feels when it is time, and then forms a temporary birthing canal within a few hours. The birth is then carried out exactly like the female equivalent. After the child is born the canal closes up, again within a few hours, leaving no trace of having been there."

Harry stared at the nurse for a few moments, the room void of any sound.

"Oh." He could not think of anything else to say.

"I understand this is a lot to wrap your mind around, but I assure you it will all be alright. Male pregnancies are not too uncommon and they usually advance just as well as female ones. The only real danger is a possible miscarriage. A female miscarrying puts a strain on the body, but the mother is usually fine after a short time of recovery. In the case of a male miscarrying the blow to the carrier's health is much more severe. Because of how strongly the fetus is connected to the male's magical core a miscarriage disrupts the carrier's magic, destroying the body's inner balance. This could prove disastrous to the carrier's health, often even life threatening."

The look on her face softened. "I am not trying to scare you; I just want to give you the most important facts. I don't want you to worry needlessly; male pregnancies miscarry less easily than female ones, as they are somewhat magically protected as well. Therefore a male miscarrying is thankfully very rare, and mostly only brought about in the case of a violent accident or the equivalent. In all likelihood you will be fine." Madam Pomfrey explained.

Harry nodded thoughtfully. He could remember Snape explaining something similar the day before, when declaring that an abortion was not an option.

"I will perform a check-up on you every two weeks to make sure everything progresses nicely. If there is anything at all you are wondering in the meantime I want you to forward your questions with Severus, as owls can be intercepted and I have understood that your current condition is to be kept a secret."

"Okay, thank you", Harry said quietly, looking over her shoulder, out the window behind her. This was all so overwhelming, he almost felt like crying. An impulse he was trying incessantly to ignore, the last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of someone else.

The look of sympathy Madam Pomfrey was currently aiming his way was not helping.

"This must be very hard for you, and a great shock. I was very taken back when Dumbledore declared that you, although emotionally mature for your age, still only fifteen years old, had been forced to marry a man twice your age, a professor at our school at that. I understood his reasoning for making you go through such a thing, not that that made it any more all right. But this, this is inexcusable. How could a grown, intelligent man like Severus let this happen? It is unbelievable." She looked increasingly upset as she said all this, before pausing and looking at him again.

"I'm sorry Harry, I did not mean to rant, and you shouldn't have to listen to that. I just cannot believe how they could have let this happen." Harry just squared his shoulders. He harbored no desire of explaining anything about how this could have happened. Instead he just stayed silent, looking at a tree outside his window.

"Well, I think that will be all for now. Unless there is anything else you would like to talk about?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Then I will be back here in two weeks from now, let Severus know if you need to contact me in the mean time. Oh, and as for the symptoms you can expect for now, I take it you are already experienced some nausea and fatigue?"

"Yeah… I thought I had some stomach bug, but it wouldn't pass, and then when professor Snape ran a diagnosis test he discovered…" he trailed off.

"I see, well that is what you can expect more of for the next few weeks to come as well. All you can do is try keeping as much nourishment as possible down, finding foods that is less upsetting to your stomach. What that may be is different for everyone, I'm afraid. You should also rest, if you get tired during the day, take naps if you feel the need to. There are no potions you can safely take for the nausea unfortunately; they could all be harmful to the baby at such an early stage." She said looking apologetic. "You will just have to bear it out. Very well, take good care of yourself and I will see you in a fortnight, Mr. Potter." She said with a kind smile before exiting his room.

"I will, goodbye Madam Pomfrey", Harry replied in a tone that sounded a bit lifeless even to him. He flopped down onto his back again, staring at the now familiar cracks in the ceiling.

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus had been seated in his favorite armchair in the living room, looking at the open book in his hands for the last half hour or so. He had initially tried to read it, but that had proved fruitless within minutes as he couldn't seem to focus, and so he just sat there staring at it, trying not to think.

He needed to relax for a while, he had been plagued by a bad headache for the last few hours and it had just gotten worse as the minutes ticked by. Closing his eyes he rubbed the bridge of his nose trying to clear his mind. Hearing steps coming down the stairs he looked up. Poppy approached with a somber look on her face.

"Severus."

Severus gestured towards the other armchair. "Would you like to sit down while you give me your lecture?"

She pressed her lips together in a fine line but took the offered seat. "I just cannot believe that you would ever be so careless." She said looking at him her gaze filled with enquiry.

"Believe it", he replied dryly.

She narrowed her eyes for a moment before adopting a tired look, leaning back. "It is none of my business, and nothing can change this. But you are a well educated wizard, one of the most intelligent people I know, a grown man fully aware of the possible consequences of not using protection. What I would like to know is how could you not have been thinking? How could you have let this happen to that poor boy?"

Severus looked at her, his eyes narrowing into slits.

"It is always about that 'poor boy', isn't it? When we were forced to wed, when I agreed to marry that brat for _his _protection no one was late to offer their condolences to him for _his _sacrifice, offering their silent and verbal regrets for all he had had to give up. No one has ever considered everything _I _have had to sacrifice. No, it is always about that arrogant, spoiled little boy."

Madam Pomfrey looked reprimanding, but said nothing, choosing to let him continue his irate tirade.

"No one ever even spared a thought to how I felt, being thrown into one of the most horrendous situations of my life. I was distressed; I was down with what hardship life had thrown at me, once again. I knew we had to consummate our cursed union within the set time limit, I knew I would have to fuck that annoying brat, that _child_. So do you want to know what I did? I sat us down and I poured us each a drink of my strongest firewhisky, to take my mind off of things. Then I poured myself another drink. And then a few more, and I got completely wasted. And then, then I fucked the boy." The angry look in Severus' eyes hardened.

"I didn't listen to him when he pleaded for me to stop; I didn't let him go when his small body struggled to get out from underneath mine, I didn't stop, even for a second, when he sobbed as I fucked him. And no, I did not remember to use protection. Why? Because I'm a fucking monster, that's why, because maybe I am exactly what they all thought me to be all along. Not that any of you really cared as long as I did my 'duty' and protected all of you with no recognition whatsoever. But yes, I fucked up. For once in my life I didn't grit my teeth together and torture my way through the task I had been assigned, like a good puppet. Instead I got smashed and I fucked the golden boy until he had blood running down those thin, pale thighs, and you know what? I enjoyed every second of it." Severus leaned forward, whispering that last part of his monologue in a smooth, acerbic tone.

SMACK!

Snape's head twisted to the side as Poppy slapped him. The smirk still on his face and a cold, livid glint in his eyes, he turned back to meet her eyes steadily.

"I don't even think there is anything I can say to you, Severus. I always thought I saw more in you than your bitter exterior, that you hid something better inside of you behind the ruthless facade you presented to the world. Perhaps I was mistaken." She took a deep calming breath.

"You will not harm that boy in any way; if you do I will find out. And I swear that if you do, I will kill you myself." Severus had never before heard the nurse sound so enraged. Her fury was the contained kind, giving her words the cutting edge of cold steel.

"I will be back in two weeks. You are to brew Harry a vitamin supplement, other than that everything should be in order for now." She threw him a look of utter contempt before leaving to floo out, her hands still quivering with barely contained anger.

As he heard her leave Severus leaned back into his armchair, the smirk gone from his features. Emotionlessly he stared ahead, the fury and indignation; the sudden need to provoke having died down as soon as it had arisen.

She was going to inform Dumbledore of the more gruesome details of his rant, no doubt, as she would believe the boy to be in danger, being left all alone in the near proximity of the monster who was Severus Snape.

As he sat there brooding, Severus couldn't even bring himself to care that his mentor's opinion of him was about to be further tarnished. He doubted there was anything that he could have done to ever have repaired Dumbledore's trust in him as it was, and truthfully what did it even matter? Let the old man be outraged, let them all gasp in horror and condemn him, there was nothing more they could do.

They needed him in the upcoming war. He was no longer a spy, but he was one of the more qualified wizards of the order. He had knowledge of the dark arts and the inner workings of Voldemort's organization matched by no one else on the light side. He knew himself to be an irreplaceable pawn, one they could not throw away no matter what, just like Harry Potter.


	6. Unforgivable

**Chapter six – Unforgivable**

_**Dumbledore's POV**_

"Ah Poppy, you have just returned from Spinners End I take it?" Dumbledore said with a jovial smile from behind his desk as Madam Pomfrey entered his office. "Please have a seat!" He encouraged gesturing towards the armchairs in front of his desk. His smile lost some of its cheerfulness as he noted how distressed the nurse appeared. Her hands were shaking, barely noticeable, but undeniably and she looked troubled.

"Is everything alright Poppy? Is all well with Harry?" Dumbledore asked calmly, but with a hint of underlying worry.

"… Yes, headmaster, Mr. Potter is healthy; the pregnancy so far is developing fine."

"Excellent! Then, is something else the matter?" Dumbledore asked inquiringly.

Madam Pomfrey looked thoughtfully at the desk in front of her for a moment before speaking.

"After examining Mr. Potter, before leaving, I couldn't help but confront Severus. I just could not believe how he could have neglected something so important, how he could have put a teenage boy he is supposed to protect in this position. I… just wanted to know how the forever perfectionist potions master I know, or thought I knew could ever overlook something so important, overlook anything really, as the man I thought I knew Severus to be is not the kind of person to do anything before carefully examining every aspect of it and coming to well thought-out decisions. He interpreted my inquiries as to what had happened as my taking sides and expressing how only Mr. Potter has been wronged, not considering Severus' hardships. He got angry and broke out into an angry tirade." She inhaled deeply. "The first part of it mirrored this, his feelings that no one considers everything he has had to bear, rather than just Mr. Potter's sacrifices. Then he got into what had happened on the night of the… consummation. It was what he said then that really disturbed me, he…" Madam Pomfrey broke off for a moment looking visibly shaken.

"If what you are referring to is the fact that Severus' made the ill thought out decision to get himself and young Harry slightly inebriated before they consummated the bond, I am aware of as much. I too, could not phantom how Severus would have disregarded taking the appropriate precautions. Upon questioning he confessed to having sat them down for a drink before, thinking it would ease some of the tension for the both of them. I do not approve of this course of action either, but we must consider that Severus was under a lot of stress that day, which was probably why he made such an irresponsible choice. But done is done, and there is no point in holding this above Severus' head, much as he acted negligently." Dumbledore stated firmly.

"Yes, he said he had sat them down for a drink, but Albus there was more. It was what he said after that that really made me…" Madam Pomfrey started, looking faintly ill.

"Oh? What may that be?" Dumbledore asked in surprise, leaning forward slightly in his chair with his brows furrowed.

"First of all 'a drink' is an underestimation, as he himself alluded to have had several, getting very inebriated. Then he described how he… I don't think I can even repeat exactly what he said. It was not only what he said, but the tone and expression he used while saying these horrible things, as well. I think it would be best if you saw for yourself." Madam Pomfrey concluded, looking pointedly at the pensieve on the headmaster's desk.

Dumbledore nodded after a moment. "If you think that would be best. You know how to deposit a memory in a pensieve I suppose?"

"Yes." Madam Pomfrey took her wand to her forehead frowning in concentration, putting down the memory of her latest meeting with Snape. After she was done she bid Dumbledore goodbye, leaving him alone to view the memory.

Dumbledore stared at the pensieve a bit worried about what might have upset Poppy so. Madam Pomfrey was a very professional, strict woman not easily thrown. Whatever made her this upset must be serious. With a sigh he raised his wand diving down into the memory.

He found himself at Spinners end, standing in Harry's bedroom as Poppy was just leaving.

"_**- Very well, take good care of yourself and I will see you in a fortnight, Mr. Potter."**_

"_**I will, goodbye Madam Pomfrey",**_ Harry replied in a flat tone. Dumbledore grimaced looking at Harry with sorrow. The boy didn't look happy; actually he looked quite miserable at the moment. The last Albus saw of him as he followed the mediwitch out the door was how the boy fell back on the bed again, his expression all too blank.

_Oh Harry, I am so sorry your life has always been so difficult. You deserve to be happy; I wish you could just be allowed to live a normal, happy life. I'm so sorry for the part I have played in taking away your childhood. You deserve everything you could never have, everything you will never have…_

He had followed Poppy down the stairs, finding Severus seated in the living room, in the same chair the man had occupied the day before during his visit. He watched as Poppy took a seat, lightly berating Severus for his negligence, and much like Dumbledore had done the previous day questioning him on how he could have let such a thing happen. That was when Severus was seemingly overcome with anger and bitterness, breaking into a livid monologue.

"_**It is always about that 'poor boy', isn't it? When we were forced to wed, when I agreed to marry that brat for his protection no one was late to offer their condolences to him for his sacrifice, offering their silent and verbal regrets for all he had had to give up. No one has ever considered everything I have had to sacrifice. No, it is always about that arrogant, spoiled little boy."**_

Dumbledore sighed. He could understand Severus' resentment, it was true, all the potions master's hard work and his sacrifices were often forgotten about and never recognized by most. As he until recently had been a spy for so long, his contribution to the cause was seldom widely known. Albus did try his best to show the potions master his appreciation for everything Severus had done and continued to do for the light side, but it was the acknowledgement of everyone else Severus had always wanted and never received.

The potions master was not anywhere near done in his heated outburst it seemed for he continued with ferocity.

"_**No one ever even gave a thought to how I felt, being thrown into one of the most horrendous situations of my life. I was distressed; I was down with what hardship life had thrown at me, once again. I knew we had to consummate our cursed union within the set time limit, I knew I would have to fuck that annoying brat, that child. So do you want to know what I did? I sat us down and I poured us each a drink of my strongest firewhisky, to take my mind off of things. Then I poured myself another drink. And then a few more, and I got completely wasted. And then, then I fucked the boy." **_

Dumbledore's posture stiffened and he frowned at the crude account of events. This did sound more severe than what Severus had told him of just the day before. He had gotten the impression that Severus and Harry had sat down for a drink, only enough to offer some relaxation, in the light of that day's shocking events. Here Severus alluded to having had a lot more than merely a drink or two to unwind. As Severus continued further, sounding colder and more irate than before, Albus' breath caught in his throat.

"_**I didn't listen to him when he pleaded for me to stop; I didn't let him go when his smaller body struggled to get out from underneath mine, I didn't stop, even for a second, when he sobbed as I fucked him. And no, I did not remember to use protection. Why? Because I'm a fucking monster, that's why, because maybe I am exactly what they all thought me to be all along. Not that any of you really cared as long as I did my 'duty' and protected all of you with no recognition whatsoever. But yes, I fucked up. For once in my life I didn't grit my teeth together and torture my way through the task I had been assigned, like a good puppet. Instead I got smashed and I fucked the golden boy until he had blood running down those thin, pale thighs, and you know what? I enjoyed every second of it." **_

As Severus uttered the last part of that vile statement he had the ugliest of smirks painting his features. A smirk and a glint in his eyes which looked very cold even to be one of Severus' expressions, a look which did not falter even as Madam Pomfrey slapped him.

Albus truly could not blame her in the least for doing so. After a few last words and a very cold farewell Poppy left Spinners End and so the memory ended.

Finding himself back at his desk, Dumbledore slumped down heavily in his chair, holding on to the chairs' arms so tight his knuckles turned white almost immediately.

He understood now why Madam Pomfrey had been so torn up. He could hardly believe this. He dearly hoped this was not true. Surely Severus had just spoken in anger? Perhaps he had only tried to provoke Poppy in his fury.

If not… If he had… But he couldn't have. Albus trusted Severus, even now with everything, with Harry's inconvenient pregnancy he knew Severus to have a good heart, even if not many could see it. He would not have… Albus did not even want to think it.

If he really had… Harry… no Harry could not have been put through that. That could not be. He could not have failed Harry like that.

Dumbledore needed to know the truth; he had to know it had not been like that. He had imagined, although truthfully he had tried not to think of it unnecessarily, that the consummation of Severus' and Harry's union would probably be awkward. Perhaps it would not be an enjoyable experience, as they both refused to understand each other and harbored no warm feelings between them, but he had never doubted that Severus would be gentle with the boy. True Albus had not wanted to think about that part at all, but he had assumed Severus would get them through the ordeal as easily as possible, for the both of them.

What he had heard Severus say… The implications were just too horrible for him to want to envisage. He had to find out if there was any truth to what Severus had implied. If there was, he could not only never forgive Severus, he would never be able to forgive himself either.

***

Unknowingly Dumbledore decided on the exact same spell Severus had used just the day before, making the room of the events of that night six weeks ago show a replay. It was not too difficult for him to breach the admittedly rather advanced wards on Snape's quarters. Albus would normally never have even contemplated breaking an employee's rights of privacy like this, but this was very important. He needed to know what he had heard was not true.

Entering the living room he first cast the charm there. He could remember the approximate time Harry and Severus had left his office and so he could fairly guess when they would have arrived in the dungeons.

Soon he saw Harry and Severus of a few weeks ago enter and sit down for a drink. Watching Snape down his fifth glass, Albus felt a very uncomfortable churning in his stomach. That was not 'a relaxant drink'; that was a lot of hard liquor and as Severus rose and started for the bedroom his stride was unsteady and he swayed precariously. Albus watched with pity how Harry, decidedly uncomfortable, downed his one drink before following Severus into the bedroom.

Reluctantly following the pair, Dumbledore stopped in the door way, wishing he did not have to view this, but wishing even harder this would not be as bad as Severus had made it out to be. Having noted the time Harry and Severus left the living room area, Albus cast the charm once more, this time on Severus' bedroom and the pair appeared again.

Albus entered the room getting closer to the bed, so that he would be able to hear what was being said.

As he saw Harry start hyperventilating he wished he was able to comfort and reassure the boy somehow, hoping Severus would. He didn't. Severus, who looked put bluntly, smashed, jumped the boy without another word. Forcing him over into his stomach he settled on top of him, trapping him against the bed.

Dumbledore clenched his hands in anger when Severus did not listen to the boy's pleas for him to slow down. The boy was struggling, pushing against Severus who held him firmly in place. Albus was enraged at how scared Harry sounded, at how Severus was not listening to him at all, how he was not doing anything to soothe the frightened boy. Instead he just kept going.

Albus felt so helpless, being unable to interfere. He had to remind himself that this happened weeks ago, that this was just the room's memory of the event, that it was too late.

Albus covered his mouth with one hand as he watched Snape remove the fingers that had been preparing Harry much too soon, forcefully entering the boy Albus viewed as a grandson in everything but blood.

His heart felt like it was being shredded as he had to listen to minutes that felt like hours of Harry's broken sobs, as Snape roughly thrust in and out of him. As Snape finally finished and collapsed on top of the crying boy, Dumbledore closed his eyes, pain pulsing throughout his chest.

Opening his eyes, he looked at Harry who had stopped crying and was very slowly and carefully getting up from the bed containing the sleeping form of Snape.

As he watched the boy limp out of the room, his face set in an odd mixture of determination and betrayal with blood dripping down his legs, Albus feeling truly old for the first time ever.

He had never been able to protect the boy he cared so deeply for, against any of the worst things in the world.

He had failed Harry in so many ways, and he knew in his heart that whether Harry forgave him that or not, he would never forgive himself.


	7. When no one believes in you

**Chapter seven – When no one believes in you**

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus descended the staircase feeling utterly lethargic. He could not remember a time in his life he had ever been carefree and happy, but now he felt more dejected than ever. He felt like he must finally have hit rock bottom. If life got any worse than this, he almost regretted having held on for this long. Little good had come out of all his troubles.

He felt many times his age, he felt done. If not for his sense of duty to the cause and an underlying desire to at least try to right all the wrongs he'd done, he would have felt no compulsion to stay alive at all.

As far as he was concerned he was finished, he had given up a long time ago on ever achieving any form of tranquility and content, any true happiness in life. He was at peace with the fact that all he had left to look forward to was the end of his miserable existence, an end which was looking particularly appealing today.

With a resigned sigh he sat down with his usual mug of coffee at the kitchen table, unfolding an old paper, just to have something to stare mindlessly at while he brooded.

He sat like that for a long while; the boy did not come down. He knew the boy hated him more than ever now, due to his decision to find the child a better, secure family.

He was being sensible, but Potter was too young and too stubborn to see that. Let the boy mope, he had enough to worry about as it was. No doubt Dumbledore would appear when he learned of what he'd unthinkingly blurted out to Pomfrey in his bout of anger yesterday.

The headmaster would question him on the truth of his hard words, and Severus was not going to lie, he was tired, too tired to worry about his mentor's opinion of him.

Severus knew he was a terrible human being. He knew he was long beyond redemption, and he didn't even have the strength to be bothered by it.

***

As noon approached the floo finally flared. Severus, who had been in the sitting room, reading absentmindedly from an old text, marked his spot in the tome before putting it down. He crossed his legs and linked his fingers together in his lap, looking towards the door opening where the old headmaster soon appeared, looking quite haggard and uncharacteristically grim. The old man appraised him with cold blue eyes before sitting down on the couch across from him without a word of greeting.

They stayed like that, staring expressionlessly at one another for several minutes before Dumbledore broke the thick silence. "Why, Severus? What do you even have to say for yourself?"

Ah, he knew then. Not just suspected, he knew. Severus procured a bleak shadow of a bitter smile. "You always had too high expectations of me, headmaster. It seems you should have listened to what everyone was telling you all along."

After a pause, Albus exhaled forlornly. "I can't… I can't think of anything more to say to you Severus. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what life has done to you, for what it has made you. I suppose maybe I did not want to admit defeat; maybe my hopes for you were too high. Perhaps you were right about yourself after all."

The headmaster was looking at him with such coldness in his gaze Severus hardly even recognized one of the few people he had ever considered a friend throughout his lonely life.

Severus resignation hardened. Whenever he had not had any hope himself, Albus had hoped for him, had faith enough for him too. Now, there was nothing left. There really was nothing now, not for him, if ever there was.

"Harry will stay with you, as the marriage bonds demands his home be with his husband for them to stay intact. I know you will protect him and keep him from harm, if you do not, I will show you no mercy. You will never hurt him in any way ever again." Dumbledore said all this unwaveringly, his eyes burning with carefully controlled wrath.

Severus had never felt any words more sincere than the threat and demands uttered by the headmaster just now; there was a quality to them making it impossible to doubt the sincerity of the threat.

Severus nodded very slightly. "Of course", he replied tonelessly.

"Then that will be all", the headmaster said with finality. The old man then hastily looked away from him, like he couldn't stand the sight of him anymore, turning his back on the stoic potions master.

As he ascended the stairs, assumingly to talk to the boy, Severus felt the last weak shred of hope inside of him fade away.

_**Harry's POV**_

Harry had woken up early, but as he felt no desire to face Snape he had stayed in his room, ignoring his grumbling stomach. Now he was standing by the widow looking out at the street below, deep in thought when suddenly there was a knock on the door. Expecting it could hardly be anyone other than Snape he did not turn around.

"Yes? What do you want?"

The door opened and closed and steps approached, but the steps were not Snape's familiar stalking stride. Turning around Harry was surprised to find the headmaster standing before him with the oddest of expressions.

"Professor! I'm sorry, I was not expecting you." Harry looked at the headmaster questioningly. What was he doing back already? He remembered the old man mentioning something about visiting again this summer, but that had only been two days ago.

"Has something happened? Something involving Voldemort?" he asked worriedly.

"No my boy, nothing like that", the headmaster offered him a small smile which oddly didn't seem to reach his eyes.

"Oh, good…" Harry cocked his head slightly. "Would you like to have a seat?" He asked not knowing what else to say.

"Yes, please", Dumbledore replied sitting down on the chair in front of Harry's desk. Harry sat down on the bed, looking incredulously at Dumbledore.

"I do not even know where to begin Harry. I would like to start by telling you how truly sorry I am, about everything."

Harry raised his eyebrows, looking befuddled. "You already said that before, I don't blame you for anything", Harry assured him, wondering what was wrong with the headmaster, whose face still held the strangest of expressions.

"You should never have had to take on all the responsibilities of an adult and more. You should never have had to sacrifice your childhood. I should have protected you, in so many ways, and in every way I have failed."

Harry had never seen the headmaster look so… lost. Like he didn't know what to really say or do, but was trying to convey something anyhow.

"I understand. I understand why it has been necessary… What's wrong? Something has changed since I saw you a few days ago, hasn't it? Did something happen?" Harry asked, concerned.

"No, Harry. I just cannot believe just how much I have not done right by you." After a deep exhalation he continued, "I know about… Severus happened to disclose some details about the day of your marriage. About the night of the…" Dumbledore paused. "From the terrible implications I had to investigate further and I uncovered just how gruesome…" He trailed of looking sickened for a moment.

Harry paled before blushing slightly, breaking eye contact with Dumbledore, instead focusing on his wardrobe to the right of the old man seated in front of him. What was he supposed to say to that? Nothing suitable came to mind and the silence wore on before Dumbledore continued.

"I am so very sorry, I know these are just empty words, but there is nothing more I can do. I do not ask your forgiveness, I do not deserve it, but I want you to know how sorry I am. I led you onto what I thought was the best course of action, this is my fault."

Startled Harry looked back at the man before him. "But I know. I know you did what you thought was best. I really don't blame you."

Dumbledore looked sadder still at this statement, oddly. "I know you don't Harry. You have such a beautiful, pure soul. After everything you have lived through, everything you have been deprived of, you still have such a good heart. You are a remarkable human being Harry, you should know that. You deserve to realize that." Dumbledore's eyes unwaveringly met Harry's and he blushed again looking down, saying nothing. He knew Dumbledore was wrong, he was not the saint the man made him out to be, but he knew there would be no point trying to argue, and so he said nothing.

Dumbledore sighed. "I know you don't believe me, even though I wish you would."

They then stayed silent for a while, though this silence was more comfortable than the previous one.

"If you need someone to talk to, if you need anything at all, but especially if you need someone to talk to I want you to let me know. You can always talk to me. Despite everything I have put you through, everything I have not done for you that I should have, I care deeply about you, I hope you know that."

Harry smiled, his heart suddenly felt warmer than in had in a long time, since before Sirius died.

"Thank you."

"I realize a lot of this is probably hard for you to talk about. But I think you probably should, in order to move on. But it is up to you; this at least I leave up to you." Dumbledore said his voice resonating with regret.

Harry nodded. "I don't really know what to say to be honest."

"How do you feel? Can you handle living with Severus even after this? You have the last six weeks, and I understand that you thought it necessary. But now you are faced with the daunting prospect of living with him through the school year as well."

"I… can handle it I think. I'm not afraid of him; I just don't trust him anymore."

Albus inclined his head in understanding. "This was a betrayal, a severe one. I never would have considered this could happen, I never would have thought…"

"If he had not been drunk I don't think it would have been like that. It would have been awkward and everything, but it wouldn't have been… like that", Harry replied quietly. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now."

Dumbledore looked worried. "Harry of course it matters. What happened to you matters, no matter what you might think. Even if you believe you are over this, I must warn you it may emerge at a later time if you do not deal with it."

"I get that. But I really don't feel much concerning that right now, I just don't. The revelation that I'm going to be… That I'm going to have a child has sort of overshadowed anything else on my mind."

Dumbledore smiled gently. "I can understand that." Harry smiled too for a moment, but then his smile faded.

"Snape said… that he wouldn't let me keep it." Harry looked sad.

"Whatever do you mean Harry? We have already stated that abortion is not an option", Dumbledore said surprised, wrinkling his forehead in confusion.

"No, after it's born. He says he'll give him or her up for adoption, anonymously. I told him I wouldn't agree to that, that he couldn't make me give up my baby…" Harry trailed of looking the image of desolation. "But he reminded me that I won't have turned seventeen yet when this child is born. That he as my guardian will have full powers to decide what to do."

As Harry's word sank in Dumbledore filled with silent fury. "Don't worry Harry. I will not allow him to do any such thing. I will make sure he cannot take your child from you", Dumbledore said, his voice full of conviction.

Harry let out a breath, feeling great relief wash over him. With Dumbledore on his side it had to be okay, the old man had always seemed all powerful to Harry, even though he knew deep down that this was not entirely true. Nevertheless, he believed the man when he said he would make sure Snape wouldn't make him give up his son or daughter.

"I will come see you at least once a week from now on to talk to you; I feel you do need to talk about everything you've been through. It's okay if you don't feel up to it, we'll talk about anything you want, but I want to give you the opportunity", Dumbledore stated.

"Okay, that's good", Harry said absentmindedly, relief still flooding him. He didn't mind talking to Dumbledore every once in a while, it would be a nice change to the forced near constant solitude he'd experienced since arriving at this place.

"I want you to survive this war Harry. I want you to survive this war, raise your child in peace, and find love. I want you to have the family you deserve and always wanted, someday. You _will_ make it through this war Harry." Dumbledore sounded a lot like he was trying to convince himself as he stated that last part.

Harry started at the sudden proclamation. "Well, I guess I have to now. I won't leave a child behind all alone."

"I know you won't Harry", Dumbledore said smiling. "You can have everything one day and I believe you will."

"I hope so too", Harry replied timidly. "I would like to know what it's like to really love someone and to have someone love me back for me, someone who really knew me", Harry said quietly.

"You will Harry, I'm certain of it." Dumbledore frowned, hesitating before continuing. "You have never yet been in love I take it? Had you ever… The consummation, was that your first time? You don't have to answer if you don't want to", Dumbledore said looking apologetic but inquisitive all the same.

"… No. I had never been with someone that way. I kissed someone, once. Other than that I have never…" Harry trailed of looking a little embarrassed.

"That was your first experience", Dumbledore mumbled looking crestfallen. "I want you to know Harry that that is not anything like how it is when you love someone, nothing at all like that."

"I know that", Harry assured, blushing slightly.

"Good", Dumbledore said looking at Harry mournfully again, before getting to his feet. "I should be getting back, but I will visit again in a few days."

"Okay, bye professor."

"Goodbye Harry and take care."

"I will, thanks", Harry smiled tentatively at the old man trying to look reassuring. Dumbledore returned his smile weakly, still looking gloomy as he closed the door behind him.

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus heard Albus come down the stairs. The man stopped in front of him, barely looking at him as he addressed him.

"You will not take Harry's child from him."

"But surely adoption would be for the best, with how young Potter is and the upcoming war-"

"No." Dumbledore cut him off, in a tone leaving no room for objections whatsoever.

"Harry has the right to keep his own child. He has already sacrificed so much; he will not lose more if I can help it. We have no right to do that to him. You have absolutely no right to do such a thing to him, you will not." Dumbledore voice was impossibly even colder than before and without any words of farewell he left for Hogwarts, leaving Severus standing there by himself, dumbstruck.


	8. Bitterness brewing

**Chapter eight – Bitterness brewing**

_**Harry's POV**_

Four weeks had passed since the shocking revelation just a few days before Harry's sixteenth birthday. School was starting up again tomorrow. They were still at Spinners End but would be returning to Hogwarts today.

The headmaster had stopped by at least once a week to see him in the last month. They had talked about a lot of things, some trivial, some more serious. No matter what Harry might have thought originally, talking had helped a lot. Besides that he had also gotten to know Dumbledore a lot better, they had grown much closer. It felt good to have someone he could trust to talk to, Harry felt better about everything with the emotional support the old man offered; Dumbledore had taken on an almost a parental role to Harry.

Meanwhile him and Snape had barely talked at all. Snape looked to be avoiding him more than ever and Harry was hardly going out of his way to seek the potions master out either. What exchanges they had shared had all been shallow and neutral, usually during the occasional meal they shared (Harry didn't feel "could you pass the salt?" counted for conversation).

Harry had already packed all of his things, most of which had been forwarded to the school ahead of them. He found Snape waiting in the sitting room.

"So, are we going to floo over soon? Are we waiting for anything in particular?" he inquired.

"We won't be using the floo, we are going to catch a train for Hogsmeade in an hour", Snape stated dispassionately.

"What? Why?" Harry asked surprised. They were in no hurry as the rest of the student body would not be arriving until tomorrow night in time for the welcoming feast, but travelling by train seemed a lot more complicated than simply using the floo system.

"It is not safe for you to travel by floo in your condition, and the headmaster thought it best that you not travel by yourself in case of an attack", Snape snapped.

"Oh… I see", Harry had not even contemplated the fact that being catapulted through narrow chimneys while pregnant probably wasn't wise. It was quite logical now that he thought about it.

***

A few hours later he and Snape were seated in one of the compartments of a moving train, a long stretched silence enveloping them. The quiet felt suffocating now that they were stuck together in such a small area.

Harry had been trying to read a book, but the concentration needed for reading in combination with the train's movement were making him nauseous. Giving up he marked his place in the book and put it down. Snape was also reading, seemingly engrossed.

Harry settled for staring out of the compartment window. Sparse trees and big fields flew by, and so did time as Harry became lost in thought.

Then suddenly, after what must have been hours, Snape spoke startling him. "My wanting to put the child up for abortion is with the child's best interest at heart as much as anyone's. I simply believe it would have a better chance at leading a normal, satisfying life with a steady wholesome family, untouched by war, with parents who are mature and well capable of looking after a child in every way", Snape stated quietly but clearly.

Harry looked at him searchingly. "I understand your point. Maybe I am selfish, but I just can't give up my child. And even if we found it a 'wholesome, normal family' there are no guarantees that they would actually take good care of our child, or that they would love it like I will", Harry said slowly. "I would know. Even a family seemingly loving and well able to care for a child… isn't always. They may not come to love my child, and I would never risk that", Harry added stubbornly. "I might be young and there may be a lot of things I don't know. But I know one thing; I will love this child unconditionally, this child will never be alone and unloved, I will make sure of it", he said with conviction. "No child of mine will lack what I did, I want him or her to have everything I didn't", he finished.

Snape looked back at him, staring him down.

"Very well, then that is your responsibility as it is your choice to undertake such a task", he stated. Harry stared back at him, and then he burst out laughing.

"Task?! Well that's one way of putting it I suppose…" Harry shook his head. "You've never wanted children, have you?"

"No", Snape said his lip curling in revulsion. "I'm not very fond of children and so I have never held any desire to be stuck with one permanently."

"Ehrm, just out of curiosity, _why _did you decide to become a teacher?" Harry asked, amused.

"Few people ever end up where they originally thought they would. This is simply where I happened to end up and that is that", Snape grumbled sourly.

"People don't usually keep doing something they detest for years though, you could have found something else to do", Harry mused.

"Did it ever occur to you that my role as a spy might have required me to stay close to Dumbledore in order to be somewhat convincing?" Snape snapped.

"Oh, well that's true… But now when you're not a spy anymore…"

"I am instead burdened with everyone's favorite golden boy. As I have to stay close to you I might as well keep working."

There was a long silence. "

"What if you hadn't been involved in this war? If you could do anything you wanted, what would you be doing?" Harry asked curiously.

"… I don't know. I believe I would have left Britain a long time ago."

"To go where?"

"Anywhere there is not much people, no one knows of me and I would be left in peace", Snape replied somberly.

"Is that all you want out of life? To be left alone?"

"Yes."

"Then what is the point of living?"

"What makes you think there is one?" Snape looked as unfathomable as ever.

"The human race lives in groups, naturally."

"Since when does the 'human race' pay any heed to what is natural or not?" Severus smirked. "Besides, every race has its exceptions to the norm."

Harry narrowed his eyes. "I don't think you want to be alone, not really. At least you can't always have. If you do now it must be because you feel that the price of not being might be too high…" Harry mused.

"I suggest you put an end to the psycho analysis right now, Mr. Potter, unless you want me to return the favor. There are a lot of theories one could present about the orphan who wants the world to love him, as well."

Harry snorted. "What ever gave you that idea? I want someone to love me for me, yes. I could care less about what the rest of the world, what people who don't really know me, thinks of me."

"Is that so? I never would have guessed", Snape drawled.

"That's because you are a bitter, jaded and condescending man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself and hates them for it. You see no further than you care to look", Harry said crisply.

"Now who's being judgmental?" Snape mocked.

"Well at least I judge based on what I see rather than on what I assume", Harry countered.

"You are an arrogant little boy, Potter. To you everything is so simple, isn't it?" Snape sneered.

"Oh, yes. Of course I'm nothing but a naïve little boy, you're absolutely right. My life has been so simple and protected so far. I mean, who wouldn't want my life? Just imagine how privileged I am. Imagine your parents being murdered before your eyes when you are a small child, by a maniac who is still out to kill you fourteen years later. Then being sent away to spend the better part of your childhood with relatives who hates you and make it one of their purposes in life to repress you and ingrain in you just how worthless you are. Then after a decade of degradation and loneliness you get to enter a new world you've never before heard of, just to find that the people there have made all these preconstructed assumptions about what you are like. Then the rest of your childhood is spent trying not to get killed by the murdering loon who wants you dead." Snape rolled his eyes.

"Oh woe thy name is-", he started but Harry interrupted him. "Then, because apparently my life wasn't wonderful enough, I had to marry someone who hates me and saw fit to get drunk and rape me on our wedding night." Harry's glare grew colder.

"And here I am, lucky me; 16 years old, knocked up and still expected to defeat an extremely powerful sociopath wizard, for the sake of a world full of people who abandoned me for a decade. Of course; I'm just an 'arrogant little boy', it is hardly like I was forced to grow up fast or anything", Harry snarled ending his rant.

He had reached his limit; he was not going to take any more of Snape's shit quietly. Who was the arrogant child here? They quietly stared at each other, both refusing to break eye contact.

Then Snape simply snorted. "And you call me bitter..."

***

Harry had settled into his new room and was awaiting the welcoming feast with mixed feelings. He had missed his friends, but he didn't know how people were going to treat him in light of his recent marriage to their least popular teacher.

People were bound to gossip a lot, something he dreaded as he hated such attention. He was also going to have to inform Ron and Hermione about his pregnancy, the sooner the better. That ought to be fun.

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus had gone to the welcoming feast filled with trepidation, and it was turning out to be as unpleasant an experience as expected.

The students had gawked and whispered as he entered and countless eyes kept glancing at him throughout the feast. Even some of the staff looked at him oddly; Minerva in particular had thrown him some very disapproving looks. Severus ignored all the eyes on him, but was unsettled nevertheless.

No one had approached him. No one had spoken to him even to greet him, not even Albus who usually engaged him in conversation during meals. Albus hadn't really spoken to him at all since the revelation of what he had done the night of his and Potter's wretched union. Severus knew that Albus was never going to forgive him. Just as well anyhow, the pattern proved correct; everybody who had ever cared about him always gave up on him in the end.

The feast seemed to stretch on forever this year, before it was finally polite to leave.

Meanwhile Severus watched Potter surrounded by the other Gryffindors, seemingly as popular as ever. He had watched throughout the last weeks of the summer as the boy grew ever closer to Albus, he had noticed silently and forgotten in the shadows like always, how the look in Albus' eyes reflected his love for the boy wonder. He loved Harry, like a son. Potter had all too easily acquired the kind of love Severus had always wanted but never been offered, from the one living person Severus cared for.

Severus sipped at his pumpkin juice, trying unsuccessfully to quench the bitter aftertaste left by his forever unfair existence.

_**Harry's POV**_

After the feast was over Harry had dragged Ron and Hermione away from the crowd and into an empty classroom. They were now looking at him expectantly as he considered the best way to tell them the news.

The feast had not been as bad as he had feared; the others had treated him fairly normal. Although there had been whispers and stares from the other tables, the Gryffindors had seemed mostly sympathetic. Neville in particular seemed to feel very sorry for him.

Harry cast a powerful silencing charm, then just stared awkwardly at the other two not knowing how to start.

"What was it that you wanted to tell us Harry?" Hermione finally asked after a minute of silence.

"Yeah mate, whatever it is it can't possibly be more shocking than you having to marry the greasy git", Ron added encouragingly.

"I… it's pretty big. And you need to know that it is very important that no one else learns of this", Harry said carefully.

Ron and Hermione both nodded, looking more curious than ever.

"Something unexpected happened…" Harry trailed off. He decided it would be easiest to just tell them straight on. "I'm pregnant", he said bluntly.

Ron and Hermione stared at him. Hermione blinked several times in a row and Ron's mouth had fallen open. They obviously had not been expecting that.

"Are you serious!?" Ron had found his voice first.

"Yes", Harry replied, looking intensely at a spot on the floor.

"Oh Merlin", Ron murmured, looking unusually thoughtful. "That is… wow. Wait, does that mean you had sex with Snape!?" Ron looked disgusted.

"We had to consummate the bond for it to stay valid", Harry mumbled, his cheeks reddening.

"And you didn't use protection?" Hermione spoke, finally.

"No. I didn't even know this could happen", Harry said faintly.

"Oh Harry, you must have been so shocked!" Hermione stepped forward and enveloped him in a hug. Harry thankfully hugged back. "Yeah, I was."

"But Snape certainly must have known better! Why the hell wouldn't he have made sure this didn't happen?" Ron questioned.

"He just didn't. It doesn't matter now anyway", Harry mumbled into Hermione's shoulder.

"This is the reason I have to stay with Snape through the school year. No one can know. If Voldemort found out…"

"Of course Harry, we understand", Hermione told him reassuringly. "It will be fine, right Ron?" Ron just nodded, his eyes wide.

"How did Snape take the news?" Ron suddenly asked.

"Not well… He looked quite miserable. I think the knowledge that he had unintentionally mixed his blood with a Potter hit him hard", Harry's lips twitched.

"Good." Ron smirked evilly. Hermione rolled her eyes at them, shaking her head but smiling nonetheless.

***

A while later Harry returned to the dungeons. He was a bit sad he couldn't go with Ron and Hermione to Gryffindor tower instead but this how things were and he'd just have to adjust.

Walking in through the portrait he found Snape seated next to the fireplace, staring into the flames.

"Hello", Harry said tentatively. He received no response. "So, the feast wasn't too bad, people stared a bit but that was to be expected…"

Snape turned his head to glare at him and Harry fell silent. "I harbor no desire to exchange useless small talk with you Potter. Stop making a nuisance out of yourself and go to bed", he ordered, his voice cold.

"Fine", Harry muttered, walking into his new bedroom and closing the door behind him just a little more harshly than necessary.


	9. Autumn

**Chapter nine - Autumn**

The stares from the other students diminished quickly as time passed and they got used to the new situation. Harry got into a routine, he went to classes, and in the afternoons he hung out with his friends in the Gryffindor common room, at the library or outside. He and Snape continuously ignored each other as best they could.

Harry did not even take potions anymore (as he had not managed an O on his potions OWL), for which truthfully he was glad. The rest of his classes went fairly well. Once the routine that made up his life had been established days quickly turned into weeks, which turned into months.

Harry was grateful he had Ron and Hermione to talk to about everything. They were still the only ones besides Dumbledore, Snape and Madam Pomfrey who knew his secret. He had regular check-ups with Madam Pomfrey and everything was going fine.

He still met with Dumbledore often. They had grown ever closer and Harry had come to view the old man as a father figure, one he had desperately needed after Sirius' death.

All in all Harry was fairly happy, although he worried about the future.

By late October he was showing so much he had to start wearing glamours outside of his and Severus' living quarters. By November he could feel the baby move, he was amazed by the feeling when the baby kicked from inside of him. At first the movements had been very faint, but as the end of term approached they became more pronounced.

For Christmas Harry would have liked very much to accept his invitation to the burrow. Dumbledore had however argued that he would be better protected at Hogwarts in his vulnerable condition, and that it was therefore best that he spend the holiday at Hogwarts. Harry had in the end agreed with this reasoning.

Ron and Hermione had both offered to stay with Harry at Hogwarts for Christmas, but he knew they wanted to see their families. He had assured them that he would fine and that he would have the company of Dumbledore and Hagrid. His friends had finally decided they would go home for Christmas but return the day after Christmas day to spend the remainder of their holiday with Harry.

***

A few days before Christmas Harry had tea with Dumbledore and the old man informed him about the existence of the horocruxes. The knowledge of their existence greatly disturbed Harry, but the headmaster assured him that their chances were good. Voldemort was not aware of their knowledge of his horocruxes and Dumbledore had already figured out several of the objects likely to have been used.

He had started locating them and believed he had found out the location of one of them; the Gaunt family ring. He informed Harry he was leaving that same afternoon to retrieve it but would be back in time for Christmas Eve.

Harry would have liked to have helped, but Albus assured him he would be able to help hunt several of the others down after his child was born, as it would be a lengthy process tracking all of them down.

They talked for almost an hour and Dumbledore tried his best to relieve Harry's worries. They eventually changed the subject to less gruesome matters, talking about nothing and everything, as had become their custom throughout the last few months.

_**Severus' POV**_

The last few months had been painful to Severus. He had always thought himself lonely.

He'd never realized he had gotten used to the comfort of having at least one true friend, at least one person in the world he knew actually cared for him. Someone he could talk to if he really needed to.

It was not until he lost it Severus realized how much Dumbledore's friendship had meant to him.

Severus went on like usual, he got up in the morning, he taught classes to ungrateful, idle children he despised who hated him in return. He went to meals where no one spoke to him. He went through corridors, passing people who did not acknowledge him; he went on with his life ignored by absolutely everyone.

He silently watched the boy who shared his living quarters. On occasion he saw him without his glamours in place, the rounded stomach more noticeable each time. He saw the boy outside, laughing with his friends. He saw him exchange looks of understanding with Albus, he saw Albus watch over the boy.

Severus in the meantime felt continuously ever more disconnected from life, number than ever. His hate, his bitterness, and his desperation were brewing and expanding, he could feel it under a thinning surface. He had suppressed these feelings almost his entire life, but something was different now, he felt himself slipping. He felt his grip loosening, and it was as if he was too tired to hold on anymore.

He had started drinking, more than he should, something he, watching the mess that had been his father during his upbringing, had sworn he would never do. No matter, Severus just did not have the strength left within him to care anymore.

He could feel the monster in his chest breaking out, and instead of trying to patch himself together like he used to, instead of adding more steel wire to force shut the cracks in his heart, he ignored it.

Almost every night he drank himself into nothingness alone in his room. Then each morning he got up, ingested a hangover potion and repeated his pathetic pattern of existing all over again.

This night did not start out any different from many before it. By eight he was rocking back and forth in a chair next to his bed, completely sober, clutching the arms of said chair trying to override the unbearable emotions that were threatening to crack his chest open. He felt surely his skin must cave soon; surely everything would pour out of him soon. Nothing happened and nothing went away.

By nine he was drunk, but not drunk enough for anything to be any less unbearable. By ten he was lying on the cold stone floor staring at nothing in particular. The pain in his chest was slowly receding, but it was being replaced in equal measures by something else.

His heart was pouring out its filthy contents, saved up from a lifetime of pain. He had stopped shaking, he had given in and he let the darkness that had crept into him pour out and consume all his senses.

He lay still for a long time before he, his senses foggy like in a dream, was suddenly standing up. Stretching his hand unthinkingly before him he numbly took several long strides, approaching a door.

_**Harry's POV**_

It was late but Harry couldn't sleep. The baby must have sensed his anxiety over the horocruxes and his worry for Dumbledore who was out on his mission to retrieve the Gaunt family ring, because it was restless and kept kicking him.

As the clock struck eleven Harry gave up and got up. He went into the living room area where there was always a fire burning, and sat down in one of the armchairs near the hearth.

Leaning back he gently stroked his by now very protruding stomach. He felt his skin ripple as the baby kicked against his hand. "You're awfully energetic. You're going to be a real handful, aren't you baby?" Harry mumbled, smiling softly.

He was having a little boy; Madam Pomfrey had told him months ago. He hadn't told Severus. He had intended to, but no suiting moment had come up. Perhaps the man wouldn't even care to know, he had not expressed any interest whatsoever in their child as of yet.

They had of course barely spoken at all; Severus seemed to have crawled even further in under his hard shell. From what Harry could see Snape was more distant than ever. He didn't really know him, but Harry almost felt sorry for the man sometimes, because of how lonely he seemed.

At the same time he didn't really want anything to do with Severus. Harry knew the man had lived a hard life, but that didn't change the fact that he was utterly unapproachable or the unforgivable thing he had done to Harry. Harry could not forgive him, neither for what he did, nor for how he had always treated him.

Harry sat quietly listening to the fire crackle and feeling the baby move for awhile, until his eyes started to droop.

He sighed tiredly; perhaps he should head back to bed. He awkwardly got to his feet, stretching his aching back. That was when he suddenly felt watched.

Turning around he spotted Snape standing in the shadows, just out of reach from the flickering light provided by the fireplace. He could not make out the other man very well in the poorly illuminated room, but his eyes were glittering in a strange, frightening way.

"Severus? Is everything alright?"


	10. A lifetime of hate

**Chapter ten – A lifetime of hate**

Snape looked to be far away in thought and yet entirely focused on Harry.

"No… nothing's _alright._ Not for me, never for me", the man stated tonelessly. Harry stiffened. Something was very wrong with Snape. He looked inebriated, but it was more than that, his eyes looked wrong.

"Are you drunk?"

Severus laughed a short strange laugh that sent shivers up Harry's spine. "So what if I am. You know… I know I was never Albus' favourite, never. He always held his little Gryffindors in such high regard, letting them get away with absolutely anything." Snape stalked closer.

"And I _knew _it would be the same with you as it was with your damn father and his little friends. I knew that." He stumbled forwards, looking lost in thought.

"But Albus did care about me too, I know he did. Not as much as his dear golden boy, but still. Not anymore…" Snape looked deranged; his face twisted in a grimace Harry had never seen the equivalent of. He indecisively watched as Snape closed the last bit between them, looming over him.

"Do you know _why_ I hateyou?" he grounded out, close to Harry's face.

"No… Or yes…" he whispered uncertainly. "Because I look like my father, who tormented you in school and got away with it. Because of my fame, because you always felt I got everything handed to me…-"Snape backhanded him and Harry stumbled before regaining his balance. Shocked, he held a hand to his aching face.

"They all loved you! They all always love you, just for being. Albus cares about _you_, he loves you like the grandson he never had. _She _sacrificed her life for you, she who would not even give me a second chance." Snape's eyes seemed a deeper black, Harry thought they looked truly empty, not just emotionless, but like black infinite holes.

"_They _were just boys, even when they almost killed me! But I, I was evil as soon as I made a mistake. Hell, I was evil before then; they had already made up their minds. Then Albus looked beyond all that and I thought he saw more to me than what the rest did, something, anything. But no, he was wrong; I am a fiend, someone no one could ever love, would ever love. No one…" Snape stared off into space, to the left of Harry.

"But _you_ on the other hand, you don't have to do anything at all, you just… are, and they all _love _you for it. All of them; her, the fawning mob, even Albus…" he faltered, and then his voice hardened.

"That is why I truly hate you, more than I ever hated anyone else. More than your wretched father, more than her for abandoning me, more than I hate Albus for giving up on me, more than I hated my parents and the world for not giving a damn about me. I have been hated all my life, I have hated all my life. But you… I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone else in this world." Snape was delirious with all consuming fury as he rambled on.

Harry started to back away from him but Snape stepped after him, grabbing him by his hair, holding his face tilted up and right to Snape's face which was warped in the most horrible grimace.

"You cannot possibly comprehend what it feels like to have to look at you. _His _features, but then… hereyes, her eyes staring back at me. Always… How could I not hate you? Everything that has made my life unbearable is linked to you, all of it… I want someone to pay for all _my _pain, for once in my life I want justice, want someone to pay the price for what the world has done to me…" He whispered, and Harry shivered as the stench of alcohol washed over him when Snape leaned so close.

Snape looked completely out of it. Harry tried to back away again, lifting his hands to try prying his hair loose from Snape's tight fist.

Snape, who had looked vacant, focused on him again. He let go of Harry's hair but a second later a harsh blow met Harry's face again and this time he stumbled to the floor. He tried to get up but then Snape kicked him, in the stomach.

Harry gasped, falling on his side and pulling his legs up, folding his arms around them trying to protect his middle section as more kicks rained down over him. Most of them met his legs and arms, there was a crack as one hit his wrist badly and Harry screamed from pain.

His hair was grabbed once more and Snape's face appeared above him. "Everybody's favourite golden boy sniveling on the floor, now this cannot be right", he sneered.

"Please… Just don't hurt the baby, _please_…" Harry felt tears fall from his wide fearful eyes as he focused on the black cold depths before him, pleading. He didn't have his wand on him and he could not defend himself from Snape. He didn't want to unfurl, Snape did not appear to show any concern at all for the life inside of him.

Harry hoped with everything he had that the child had not been hurt, he couldn't bear that. He hoped whatever madness had possessed Snape would blow over, before it was too late.

"The savior begging, how undignified", Snape mocked as he violently threw Harry away from him. Harry landed hard on the stone floor and immediately started crawling towards the back of the portrait leading out of the quarters, but after only a few seconds something harder than a foot came down on his back.

Curling up once more Harry saw from the corner of his eye that Snape held the fire iron from beside the hearth, and then it came down again, on his side. He crouched up as best he could to the onslaught that seemed to go on for a long time, but it could only have been minutes.

He was then suddenly grabbed, lifted by one arm and bodily thrown into the nearest wall. He backed up into the corner close to his right, his knees in front of him and his arms folded over his head. He was grabbed by both his arms and jerked upright.

Harry stood on shaky legs, his arms wrapped around the bulge of his stomach, looking up at Snape who looked mad, more so than ever, nothing but pure blind hate shining out through his black eyes.

He lunged at Harry who turned around attempting to get to the passage out, just a few feet away, but Snape hit him from behind, knocking him to the side.

Harry fell and the last thing he saw was the corner of a table, and he felt a blinding pain to his head.

***

The only thing Harry knew as he awoke was immense pain. He couldn't even locate a source of it, everything hurt. As he was getting used to the ache that felt all consuming, he realized he was sticky all over.

He forced his eyes open. His vision was unclear, looking down he saw only red. Blood… he was lying in a pool of his own blood. He shakily moved his left arm and the pain intensified slightly.

Moving it downwards it came to rest on the swell of his stomach. Fear coursed through him, a fear worse than any he had ever experienced.

"Please be okay, please be okay", he chanted in a low raspy voice, praying that he would feel movement. He felt none.

He had never felt colder than he did right now. Shooting both his arms in front of him he unsteadily tried to drag himself forwards. His pains intensified tenfold and he couldn't move more than an inch. What was he going to do? He had to make it out of here before it was too late, for the baby's sake.

He was not where he had fallen, but a part away, next to a broken vase, which also lay drenched in pooling blood. There were shards embedded in his cheek he realized, feeling them as he brought his hand up.

He tried moving his legs and found that he could, the difficult part was maneuvering them through the thick haze of pain and blood loss. He got up on all fours after much struggle and tried to stand up, immediately falling down on his knees. His head was spinning and there were black spots before his eyes, they were growing.

He crawled for the back of the portrait guarding the quarters. As the portrait fell open he made it to the opposite wall of the corridor before crumbling down completely against it.

"Oh Merlin, what has happened to you?" It was the old grim lady in the portrait who had spoken, addressing Harry for the first time ever with anything other than a disapproving glance. She looked frantic, which looked very misplaced on her usually dour features.

"Help… Get help", Harry managed to get out in a voice so scratchy he barely recognized it himself.

The woman in the portrait disappeared from the frame, and Harry felt the black spots in front of his eyes expand the last bit, blocking all his vision.


	11. And then it was too late

**Author note: **Hi, sorry I left you hanging for so long after that cliffhanger in last chapter. The reason for this is I've decided on a different ending to this story. I already have one finished, but I've changed my mind and am going to change it a bit. I got stuck for a few days, deciding on how to proceed, but here is another chapter now:3 There is not too much left of this story (probably), I can't say exactly, but there is likely only a few chapters left.

However, someone **requested a warning before things turned really horrible, and so here it is. With this chapter the real angst begins. You have been warned; proceed at your own risk**. With that said, I hope you enjoy this chapter, if you do read it.

**Chapter eleven - And then it was too late**

_**Severus' POV**_

Severus awoke to the feeling of his head pounding. Reluctantly he opened his eyes, silently cursing himself for his recurrent stupidity to overindulge in alcohol during times of depression or stress. Like many mornings before, he leaned over into his nightstand retrieving the means to aid his troubles.

_I really need to stop doing this. _He sat up with his feet on the floor, rubbing his head. He noticed he was still fully clothed; he even had his shoes on.

He sighed getting up with the intention to change out of his crumpled clothing. The ache in his head was rapidly residing after he had downed the hangover potion, and his head was clearing up from the residing drunkenness, thanks to a potion he had himself developed for this very purpose.

He frowned when he noticed some unknown dried in substance spotting his clothes. His clothes were their usual black, and so he could not decipher the color of whatever it was.

Scratching at some of it he froze as he noticed the red streaking his hand. Opening his hands he stared motionlessly at the blood staining his palms, a familiar terror spreading inside of him.

His own blood ran cold as his mind sought an explanation. As per usual the day following a drunken stupor his memories came back only in fragments. He remembered strong emotions first; anger, bitterness, hate. He remembered an intense wish for retribution and a rage so strong it scared him.

He remembered Harry… He dropped his hands which were now quivering. He ran for the door, slamming it open.

What met him on the other side was one of the most terrifying views he had ever faced. The room was a mess; furniture, broken vases and loose items scattered about the floor. But much more notable, on the floor by a small table previously holding a big old vase and some other knickknack was a pool of blood.

There were small bloodstains visible, spotting the lighter parts of a painting hanging nearby the worst of it. From the biggest puddle on the floor led a trail all the way to the portrait guarding his quarters, as if someone had been dragged out.

Getting his limbs under control again Severus hurriedly followed it. As the portrait swung open he was met with his worst fear. Harry was unconscious on the stone floor of the corridor, lying on his side with his back to the wall.

Trembling, Severus kneeled before him. There was blood covering one side of his bruised face, shards half-buried in his cheek and he was a deathly pale.

One of his wrists looked broken and the hand attached to it hung at an odd angle. Severus leaned forward, his ear close to the boy's mouth. He felt air moving and closed his eyes, slightly relieved.

With his hands still shaking badly he carefully put his right hand to the boy's wrist, the one which didn't look broken. The boy was cold to the touch and the pulse, though there, was far too weak.

Stroking aside some of Harry's matted hair Severus found a deep gash slightly up and to the side of his forehead, from which a small stream of red was still trickling.

Lowering his hand Severus put it on Harry's back and then his other hand under the boy's knees, intending to lift him. His hands met wet fabric and raising them again they came away completely red.

Severus breath caught as he tried to recall what could have caused that kind of bleeding. He noticed there were large shards, probably from one of the shattered vases, stuck in the boy's thigh, having gone straight through the thin layer of pajama bottoms. He did not have the time to procrastinate enough to investigate the source of the blood on Harry's back. Instead he secured him in his arms, hurrying towards the hospital wing.

He nearly collided with Madam Pomfrey who came running towards him only a corridor away from the hospital wing, which was odd seeing as it was not even 6 in the morning yet.

"What happened? A woman came into one of the paintings in my bed chamber only minutes ago; waking me up saying Harry was hurt…" She sounded frantic and her worried gaze fell on Harry who was mostly hidden in Severus' arms, facing his chest.

"No time to explain, we need to work fast, I don't know how badly injured he is", Severus replied, walking in long strides towards the infirmary, Poppy hurriedly trailing after him.

They reached the hospital wing and Severus carefully lay Harry down on the closest bed. Madam Pomfrey approached the bed from behind Severus. As she saw Harry in full view she stopped in her tracks looking horrified, raising a hand to her mouth. She stared, gaping like a fish, her eyes quickly darting to Severus. Then her expression hardened and she went into action.

"No matter how this happened, you must assist me. There are no other people close by right now and we have no time to lose", she stated tightly.

Severus only nodded as Madam Pomfrey pulled out her wand casting an elaborate diagnostic spell. A paper appeared out of the tip of her wand and she grabbed it, eyeing it with a progressively more rigid expression.

Her eyes lifted but she did not look at Severus as she wordlessly shoved the paper at him before spelling away all of Harry's clothes aside from his underwear.

Severus in the meantime took in the injuries listed.

**Harry James Potter, diagnostic health statuses, 05.51, December 23, 1997**

_**Blood loss**__ (severe)_

_**Broken bones**__; left wrist, three broken ribs (backside of rib cage)_

_**Bruising**__; Legs (medium), sides and kidneys (deep), stomach (light-medium), back (deep), arms (light-deep), face (light-medium), head (medium)_

_**Concussion**__ (severity level 7, scale 1-10)_

_**Cuts**__; thighs (three deep, one shallow), back (five deep, nine shallow), face (four shallow), head (one deep)_

_**Fetus in distress**__: imminent miscarriage likely; estimated probability of fetus mortality 3:1_

Severus stared at the list numbly, reading it through several times. He was getting flashes of Harry lying on the floor, bundled up and trying to protect his stomach as unrelenting kicks and fists rained down on him. And then crawling… and Severus had grabbed the metal stick by the hearth; the fire iron… _Oh Merlin, what have I done?_

"Go get more blood replenishing potions from the storage room… Now Severus! Bring some bone mending potions as well while you are in there", Poppy ordered sharply, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Looking up he rushed to do as he had been told. As he got back Madam Pomfrey snatched a bottle of blood replenisher from him, pouring it down the boy's throat as she massaged it to get the unconscious teen to swallow. She repeated this procedure with several more bottles of mostly blood replenishers, but also two bone mending potions.

She then took Harry's wrist in both her hands, forcefully setting it straight and conjuring a cast to hold it at the right angle as the mending potion worked.

Severus let his eyes sweep over Harry's form where it lay unmoving, exposed. Now that he was almost naked his protruding stomach appeared a lot bigger, especially in contrast to the rest of the boy's skinny body.

The boy was so very pale, making the bruises that littered large areas of his skin stand out like blood in the snow.

Severus felt sick as he noticed how an area of discoloration on the rounded stomach was the shape of half a shoe. The scrawny arms were covered in bruises in various shades, depending on how deep they happened to be, as were the legs. The thighs held several gashes, a piece of glass still sticking out from one of them. They had stopped bleeding by now, aside from the one where glass was still buried, but they looked gruesome.

Madam Pomfrey was removing the glass and cleaning the cuts, covering them in bandages.

Severus woke from his stupor realizing he should be doing something to help. Stepping closer he started removing the pieces of glass digging into Harry's cheek and cleaning the wounds. Madam Pomfrey glanced up at him, her face impassive.

"We need to turn him over on his side to get a look at the cuts on his back. He is still losing blood, we need to stop the blood flow as soon as possible for the baby to stand any chance at all", Madam Pomfrey said in a strangely blank, professional tone of voice. Severus nodded and together they gently turned Harry onto his side.

In spite of her clinical tone just a moment ago Madam Pomfrey now gasped. Severus couldn't blame her.

His eyes widened as he took in the many uneven cuts and the array of bruises in various shapes, a few of them marking broken ribs.

Poppy had begun casting healing charms on the worst looking cuts. Severus took out his wand as well, aiming the strongest healing spells he knew at the deeper gashes. They kept this up for a while before the bleeding had completely ceased and all the cuts had at least closed up. The bruises would be a later problem; there was only so much magical healing a body could handle in such a short amount of time. Turning him back onto his back they felt him convulsing.

"What is happening?" Severus asked, keeping his voice steady but his distress creeping into it.

Madam Pomfrey looked very grim as she again threw a diagnostic spell over Harry's unconscious form, which was now visibly convulsing. Looking at the results her face adopted an expression of hard resignation.

"His body is rejecting the fetus. Harry almost died, his blood loss in particular was so great that his magic had to foremost concentrate on him or he would not have survived this far…." Madam Pomfrey took a shaky breath. "The child is dead. We need to get it out of him right now", Poppy stated her voice unusually hushed.

Severus gaped at her for a moment, his mind numb, not recognizing immediately what she'd just told him.

"-Severus! Listen to me, we need to get the baby out of him, it's dead and his body is rejecting it. It is turning on itself, if the fetus doesn't get out of him Harry is going to die", Madam Pomfrey said harshly.

"…Yes. How?" he asked dazedly.

"A birthing canal is only formed in time of the natural time of birth, this rejection is unnatural, and besides that the boy's magic is already so exhausted that it won't help in any way. We need to cut it out. This is very risky as his magic is already so worn out. It won't have enough reserves to help with the healing of the incision wound for quite a while. We do not however have any other alternatives, we have to get the baby out of him or Harry won't make it either", Madam Pomfrey was trembling slightly.

"I have never done this procedure myself and normally there would be at least two healers present for this but we don't have any time to spare, his body is rejecting the dead fetus so violently we must get it out right away for there to be any prospect… We have to get it out of him", she stated determinedly.

Severus just stared at Harry, whose body was violently, unwillingly shaking. Madam Pomfrey disappeared into another room retrieving the items she would need operating and then when she returned went about disinfecting the immediate area near Harry.

To Severus it felt like only a moment had passed before she stood on the other side of Harry's bed, scalpel in hand.

"I need you to hold him down, he is shaking too much", she ordered.

Severus tried his best to do as she instructed.

Madam Pomfrey closed her eyes for a moment before opening them again, bringing the scalpel steadily down onto Harry's stomach.

***

Severus stood frozen to the spot, a part away from the bed containing Harry's lifeless form which was no longer convulsing. It lay completely still and to Severus he looked dead; extremely pale, his entire middle section covered in blood. Madam Pomfrey was just finishing up the final stitches, closing his stomach up.

The usage of stitches was uncommon in the wizarding world, as magical means of healing wounds were normally so much more immediate and effective.

Poppy had however been correct in her assumption that Harry's magic was already too exhausted to be of any help in aiding such an extensive process of healing. The healing potions distributed and spells performed had hardly worked at all and Poppy had no choice but to stitch the incision shut to stop the excessive bleeding.

The entire time throughout the procedure of removing the baby from Harry's body Severus had not been able to bring himself to look away. There had been so much blood. And the fetus… the child had in fact looked like a tiny human being. It was unmoving, its eyes closed and it was covered in blood, but it had looked like a small baby. It had been a boy, with a tiny tuft of black hair covering its head, Severus had noted before Madam Pomfrey removed it from the room.

Madam Pomfrey was cleaning Harry up. Severus did not move at all. The silence hung heavy and suffocating over the room and the distinct smell of blood still dominated Severus' senses. He felt as if time stood still.

***

Time must have passed anyhow, before Severus shook his head once more refocusing on Harry's still form. There were no longer any traces of blood left on him; he was dressed in a clean hospital gown, looking paler than ever and bizarrely even more lifeless than before without the blood covering him.

Madam Pomfrey entered the room, seemingly having cleaned up as well. "He is stabilized for now; I have just distributed some more blood replenishing potions. There is nothing more I can do for him right now", she stated dully. "His body is weakened, experiencing the magical imbalance a miscarriage in a male pregnancy brings, while also recovering from his extensive injuries and the operation. His chances are… The chances that he won't make it are even greater than in the average case of a male miscarrying, I would say maybe 60-70 %... But he might recover, we can only wait and see right now…" she trailed of looking deep in thought.

"I have floo called st Mungos, they will send a healer soon to come here and make another evaluation, but I'm positive they will come to the same conclusions… I've tried reaching Dumbledore but I haven't gotten a hold of him yet. I'm not entirely sure where he is, but he is supposed to return to the school tonight…" Madam Pomfrey looked at Harry all the while through her monologue, sounding almost as if she was talking to herself.

Just then the floo flared and a stranger entered, assumingly the healer from st Mungos. As Poppy gave him the details of Harry's medical state Severus dazedly walked out of the infirmary.

_That boy… I never hated him. I thought I did, I wanted something, someone to place all my hate in, all my pain… But I never really hated him. I refused to see what I always really knew._

_I am rotten, maybe I wasn't from the start, but somewhere along the line I became this… this horrible thing. _

_And now I have destroyed the only untainted presence in my ugly world… I have destroyed… the one whose saving could have been my redemption. Whose happiness and future could have been a reason, given a point to all my strife, to my entire dreadful existence._

_I had no right… Just like they had no right to do everything they did to me, make me this… make me like this, I had no right… _

_But it doesn't matter anymore, now it is truly too late. I have destroyed him, even if he survives, I have destroyed him, and he will never be the same again. He will never be, he can never be saved. Not really, not anymore… _

_And that is my fault, my fault, it is my fault. It is my ugly, ugly world's fault. The world which will be all Harry will ever be able to see as well now, even if his body pulls through. That is my fault, no matter if he survives or not I have killed… I have killed my own child, and I have killed more than that..._

_It doesn't matter if I blame the world. No matter what it's made me, what has ever been done to me, this… This was my choice. This was my choice, and I… I really am a monster now. Nothing I can do… There is nothing I can do, it's too late. This time it really is too late, nothing I could ever do could erase… Nothing could make me any less of a monster. _

_Not now, too late. And it is my entire fault, not the world, not theirs, not that unfortunate teenage boy's, no one's but mine._

_I thought the world so very ugly, so horrible for so long… And I never realized it had already shaped me in its image, I didn't see… I now suit nothing but its terrible mold. I couldn't see past my hate, I couldn't let it go, I let it taint me, I let it spread and taint everything… I let myself drown in it._

_And now there is no redemption, not this time. Was this world ever worth saving? Not the world I can see, no. _

_Harry's world probably was… Harry was. But now there is nothing, everything is too late and I'm just so tired. _

Severus walked the entire way down into his dungeons, unnoticed as always.

**Another author's note: **Sorry about that. I know it was dreadfully evil of me to kill the baby, both to the characters and to you readers. But the baby has to die for the development of my plot to go in the direction I want. If anyone's wondering, the baby died in the original ending as well, it is mostly the aftereffects of the baby's death, in the upcoming chapter that will turn out differently. Also; thank you so much for the encouragement/constructive criticism from all reviewers :D


	12. Nothing

**Chapter twelve - Nothing**

**Harry's POV**

There were quiet voices travelling in from another room, only faintly reaching Harry's ears, an indistinctive murmuring sound. He didn't hurt anymore. He felt numb, drugged. The feeling was familiar; he had been given pain potions. Everything came back to him. Severus had… Severus had lost it and he had…

He had hurt so much and then he had passed out in the corridor right outside their quarters. He had thought he was going to die then. He wasn't dead yet, he recognized the smell of the hospital wing easily.

Opening his eyes, he saw only the blurry white ceiling above him. He tried to move but his limbs would not obey him. Closing his eyes he focused on his right hand flexing his fingers slightly and managing to lift it. He moved it stiffly to sweep over his stomach. Rather where his stomach had previously been, it was a lot flatter than it had been the last time Harry was conscious.

He realized then that he had lost the baby. It must have been dead before they dared remove it from him, otherwise such a procedure would have done nothing but endanger his own life.

Harry's eyes didn't fill with tears. In fact he felt no compulsion to cry at all. He felt cold, so very cold. He felt dead. Like he really had died in that corridor, like this was just a dream, him lying in the hospital wing was just a fantasy.

He turned his head, spotting the door to Pomfrey's office ajar; the source of the murmuring voices. He heard the floo go off in there. Madam Pomfrey came out of the room, walking a lot slower than usual, contrasting to her usual brisk stride. As she looked over at him and noticed his eyes open she jumped.

"H…Harry! You are awake already?!" she hurried closer to his bed.

"How long was I out?" Harry asked quietly, his voice scratchy.

"Don't move. You have only been unconscious for a few hours. Your injuries were such… The baby didn't make it", Madam Pomfrey looked full of regret.

Harry nodded imperceptibly. "I know. I almost felt it… I almost knew it was too late. The last time I woke I couldn't feel him", Harry whispered.

"What happened, Harry?" Madam Pomfrey sounded close to tears.

Harry's hollow gaze was fixated steadily on the wall behind her and she almost thought he wasn't going to answer, before he at last responded.

"He was drunk again, and he was so angry, about everything. He wouldn't stop and then it was too late", Harry finally said flatly.

"Severus?" Madam Pomfrey whispered.

Harry nodded, turning his gaze back to the ceiling before closing his eyes. He wanted her to go away, he wanted to be alone.

"Yes… You should try to get some more sleep", Madam Pomfrey murmured absentmindedly.

Harry heard her leave the room a few minutes later; opening his eyes he saw her blurry form exit the hospital wing.

His mind was screaming. Not anything in particular, just pure animalistic screams echoing throughout his head. But they wouldn't pass through and out his mouth. Instead he just lay there silent, screams echoing against the inner walls of his skull.

He was in pain, his mind was in pain, but he felt somehow detached from it still. A fly flew in circles above him and he followed the hazy shape in its quick movements.

Was everything always futile, did nothing of it really matter in the end? Because this was how he was always going to end up, wasn't it? In the end he would always, always be alone, no matter what.

He started laughing. Quietly at first, then it rose in volume until his whole frame was shaking from the harsh laughter emanating from his broken body.

Was this it? Had he lived through everything, all that loneliness, all that pain for _this_? Was this what the world was all about, more of _this_?

He had been waiting all his life for… nothing. He could see that now, there never was another world. In a way, yes there had been that whole other world.

But still, it was all the same. The world was still all there was; he was still alone. No matter what he did, no matter where he went this was where he would always end up, there would never be more to the world. In the end nothing mattered and nothing was all there could ever be, he realized, laughing even harder. There never was anything to lose. He had wanted to believe there was more.

Now that he could see there wasn't, there was no turning back. His laughter died out. There was no point to it all. He always assumed there was, that he was waiting for something better. He could see now; that was only what he had wanted to believe, how he had wanted it to be. Now that he knew that in his very core, he realized he could never see past it, he would never forget it.

He felt dead, and he thought he was right somehow. He was still breathing, but something had died in him, something more than his baby had died.

The baby… He would never see it. But it had been real, he had _felt _it. But now it was just… gone. If everything was that frail, what was there to lose? Nothing, there was nothing to lose anymore.

He felt weak, he felt fading. Then again, maybe he'd always been. He followed the fly's movements as it flew straight into a scorching hot lamp, and burned to death. Those were the only options life offered, weren't they; to burn out or to slowly fade. Either way the end result was always going to be the same.

Shakily lifting his arm he moved it above him, drawing shapes in the air above him. _I understand now. There isn't necessarily a purpose. It's all about choices. I have a choice… Prophecies, obligations, everything… They're weak, they come second, what matters are the choices… He chose, and so can I… I see now, I was always going to end up alone. It's how it starts and it's how it ends. What I was looking for was a childish fantasy. I know better now… I wish I didn't, but I do… Nothing, there is nothing. In the end all there will ever be will always be nothing. _

**Madam Pomfrey's POV**

She knocked heavily on the portrait guarding Severus Snape's quarters and then she waited, for a long time. When finally the portrait swung open it revealed Severus, not in his usual black robes but in black trousers and a white shirt. He usually looked composed, but this look was different. He looked… serene. Poppy did not pause to reflect on this though.

"How could you?" she gritted out.

"…A lot of hate placed in one unfortunate person… make a lot of things possible. _'How could I?'_ the matter of the fact is just that I could. The circumstances were right, or wrong. That was how I could."

"Why? Why did you do this?" Poppy asked, desperate for a satisfying answer, an answer which would put the world right again. She stared at him hard but his expression was as unfathomable as ever, with a new strange quality to it she didn't recognize and couldn't place.

"I _know_ you are not an evil human being, how could you do this? How could you!?"

"Evil? Is there any such thing? I just made a choice and then it was too late to change it. I am not evil, I am not good. I am just of this world and the world is just that", Severus stated quietly.

"Do you even realize what you have done?" Poppy questioned desperately.

"I know exactly what I have done", Severus replied. "And the thing is I really meant it. I was wrong, but I meant it, more than I have ever meant anything in my life", Severus stated in a voice not cold, but devoid of all emotion; blank. "He won't be their hope anymore. But they will find a new source, they always do, the fortunate ones… I always thought he was one of them… one of the fortunate ones… But I was wrong wasn't I? Or maybe he was one of them… before I ruined him. Nothing I can do about it now though… I didn't want him to see my world, I didn't. I just… I thought I did… And it didn't help, of course it didn't, nothing ever does. I just condemned him too…" He added thoughtfully, shaking his head as if awakening from a dream.

Poppy stared disbelievingly at the man whom she did not recognize as the potions master she had worked with for over a decade. "What happened to you?"

"Why the world happened to me of course", Severus murmured, starting to close the portrait.

"Are you mad?" She asked hysterically.

"We're all mad", Severus told her mildly. "Goodbye, Poppy", he said airily as the portrait shut completely, leaving her mind more chaotic than it had been before it opened.

***

_**Dumbledore's POV**_

Albus had successfully retrieved the first one of Voldemort's horocruxes and so he returned to Hogwarts in good spirits. It was half way into the afternoon when he walked through the corridors heading for his office, contemplating the best way to obliterate the horocrux currently securely wrapped in a handkerchief, inside his pocket.

The school felt deserted, but he thought nothing of it; few resided at Hogwarts through the Christmas holidays this year. In his office he hid and warded the ring carefully; he would find a way to destroy it tomorrow, it had been a long day.

He started in surprise when the floo flared and Madam Pomfrey's face appeared in the hearth.

"Poppy! Well what a…" Albus started out in a jolly tone, but he grew serious quickly as he took in Poppy's appearance. She looked awful, her face set in a, even by her standards grim expression, and she looked to have been crying. Poppy was not the sort of person to cry easily or often, her apparent tears spent therefore worried him all the more.

He felt an ominous foreboding. "What is wrong? Has something happened?" he asked, all humor gone from his voice.

"…I don't know how to tell you…I really don't", she took a deep shaky breath. "I can hardly believe it myself. It's just so terrible…" she closed her eyes. "Harry…" she started, her voice breaking.

"What about Harry? Is he alright? Is it something to do with his pregnancy?" Albus asked, cold dread taking over his senses.

"He… he lost the baby." She closed her eyes tiredly. Albus froze, and for a moment everything stood still, the room deathly quiet, as he let the meaning of her words sink in.

"No… No, that cannot be…" Poppy had never heard Albus sound so lost. He looked at her, not seeing her. "How? What happened?" he said softly, his voice demanding all the same. "Male pregnancies are protected by the father's magic. Nearly all miscarriages heard of in males have been caused by outside stimulus. What happened to him? Was there an accident? Has there been an attack from Voldemort? Something must have happened!" Dumbledore shouted helplessly.

"Yes…"Poppy faltered. How was she going to tell him? There was something very wrong with Severus, but she couldn't help but feel he did not deserve to die, even after this… But she had to tell Albus. He wasn't one to act rashly, normally… But this was not 'normally', and this was about Harry. She knew as well as anyone how Albus loved Harry. If he knew whose fault this was, if he knew what Severus had done… She had to tell him though, there was no other option. She would have to trust his judgment.

"Poppy, why won't you tell me-"

"Severus. It was Severus… I never could have thought, I can't believe he… But he did. Harry awoke for a while…and he told me that Severus had been drinking, that he hurt him… that he wouldn't stop", Poppy's voice broke as her body shook with a sob.

Dumbledore stood completely still and silent. Poppy took a deep breath, attempting to collect herself. "I confronted Severus and he admitted it, he couldn't e…even tell me w…why. Harry had… he had lost so much blood; too much time had passed before I could heal him. I hoped the baby would make it, Merlin how I hoped it would, but it was too late. I realized it had already died when Harry's body started rejecting it and I had… I had to remove it. Losing the child put a lot of strain on his body after it is already suffering from so many injuries. His magic was exhausted from the healing it had already been forced to aid. I couldn't even heal the incision; I had to sow it shut… He is alive still, I was so afraid his body would give out, it's a miracle it hasn't… His condition is still critical and he is not out of the woods yet. But his chances are getting better the longer he survives, his body is already recuperating from the injuries… because of the miscarriage though, it suffers from magical imbalance and will for the next few days, making his body's ability to aid any magical healing practically null. It could go either way"; she whispered the last part. "He's asleep again now…"

Dumbledore said nothing but his face was a scary sight; pale, his nostrils flaring, but foremost his eyes like ice blue stones. He looked merciless. His voice when he finally spoke was a deadly calm.

"Where is Severus?"

"Albus… he… I don't know why he did this, how he could have… But I do not believe he is well. He needs help, but he didn't… He wasn't himself, he can't have been. He brought Harry to the hospital wing, and you should have seen him, he was horrified at what he had done… If he could take it back there is not a doubt in my mind that he would. I'm not defending what he did, what he has done is unforgivable, but he…"

"Poppy. Where. Is. Severus?" Dumbledore's voice was the coldest she had ever heard it, and for the first time ever Madam Pomfrey could see firsthand why even you-know-who feared him.

"The last I saw him he was in his quarters…" Albus stormed out without another word or even a glance back.


	13. To disappear

**Authors Note: **This is **the last chapter!** Hope you don't hate it, I like it well enough. I know the characters get VERY out of character here, but that's just how things came out. Besides, I've conditioned them with some traumas before this, as I'm sure you remember. **Thank you to all reviewers;** Thanks for the encouragement, the constructive criticism and for sharing your opinions ^^ It has been very interesting reading what you all think, so one last time thank you. I hope I didn't break anyone's heart with all the traumatic tragedy, but this story was originally designed to be angsty. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed my story anyhow, I enjoyed writing it (sadistic as that might sound). Now that's it; here's the very last chapter :3

**Chapter thirteen – To disappear**

**Severus' POV**

After Poppy left, Severus had gone back to surveying the potion he was brewing; the 'viscus letum' elixir.

The 'viscus letum' was known among potion makers to be one of the most lethal poisons one could brew in a fairly short amount of time. It literally broke your heart, stopping the bloods circulation, killing you within a few minutes after ingestion.

Putting the ingredients together was a quick process, but then the elixir needed to mature for several hours before becoming potent. Watching over this process, waiting for the draught to adopt the right color, Severus had little to do. He was seated on the floor in his bedroom, staring at the small cauldron holding the key to his final escape.

Should he write a note? No, he saw no point. He always thought the concept of suicide notes very melodramatic.

Should he try to tell Harry how sorry he was? That he realized how wrong he had been? No, that was of no use as well, it would be a gesture so inadequate it would seem almost a mockery. Harry had no use for his regret.

_I have wanted this for so long, it feels like forever. I can't even remember a time when this wasn't what I wanted most… The only think keeping me here was the hope for redemption… But now, when there can be none, when what I have done is so atrocious it doesn't matter what I do anymore, because nothing, nothing will ever erase it… Now I can't make myself stay. Not even to pay… for what I did. I suppose I always was rather selfish, somehow. I wanted redemption for me, for my sake, so that I could finally die with my mind at peace one day. I will leave now, because I can and because it is what I want… I am selfish. But I can't be any other way; it's all I've ever known. Despite everything… I'm just so relieved I am finally going to leave, that I can finally disappear… that I won't have to live with this world… live with myself… live… anymore. I can finally have what I have wanted for so long; my peace of mind is in oblivion, it has to be… The only way my mind can find any rest is if I don't exist. It won't matter what I've become, for soon it will be as if I never existed… I won't know… I won't know anything at all, because I won't be._

What he owed Harry was something he could never repay. What Severus owed the world, was a debt in itself. But so was the world's debt to him. His debt to Harry however… was infinite, impossible to repay. It was too late; nothing he could do would ever be enough.

So instead of trying, he would do something for himself, he was finally going to do what he wanted most in the world, to disappear.

Everything else… He couldn't think of anything else, he wouldn't… The reality of what he had done to Harry, that he had destroyed an innocent boy, and not only that, but the fact that he had killed what would have been _his_ _own son…_ He could not think about that, not in terms of reality. He had wanted to kill himself as it was… Instead he had torn someone else's world apart. He had stayed too long, much too long.

He would give himself what he wanted most. The things he had done were monstrous, the damage that was his entire fault, irreparable. Never again, he would never hurt anyone else again. He would do what he should have done long ago.

The 'viscus letum' was just turning the perfect shade of midnight blue. Severus smiled; another perfect potion, his last.

With steady hands he reached into the cauldron, filling a small goblet with the poisonous liquid. Slowly bringing it towards his lips he closed his eyes… But it never met its target. Instead the goblet was magically ripped from his hands, hitting the wall opposite him making a terrible noise. Opening his eyes and turning his head he found himself looking up at Albus Dumbledore in the most terrifying, powerful cold rage he had ever witnessed. The chill of meeting those icy blue eyes made the discomfort of looking into Voldemorts evil red ones pale in comparison.

**Dumbledore's POV**

As he approached Snape's quarters Dumbledore simply made a sweeping motion with his hand, and his raw power magnified by his rage was enough to effortlessly erase the wards protecting it.

The portrait did not even question him, but immediately fell open. In the doorway, surveying Severus' familiar living room he noted the disarray of scattered furniture and other objects all over the floor, the broken glass and… the blood. Harry's blood, Albus realized, growing colder. This was real, what Poppy had told him were not just horrible words anymore.

At that moment he hated, more intensely than he had ever hated in his entire long life. He hated Severus more than he ever did Voldemort at that moment. He had yet to see Harry for himself, but just the words, what he was seeing… Severus was going to pay for this. He had no excuse, nothing could ever excuse this. There was no punishment harsh enough for what he had done.

He ripped the door to Severus bedroom open, finding Snape seated on the floor, his eyes closed, raising a goblet containing something to his lips. He magically sent it flying, he knew that potion; a very potent poison.

He stared down at the man he had once considered dear to him, unfortunately misunderstood, but a good man. He felt no pity, no mercy for this man anymore.

He never would have thought that he could truly pitilessly hate anyone, but he had been wrong. He hated Severus; he didn't care anymore what he had lived through.He was not taking the easy escape, Albus wouldn't let him.

He met those charcoal eyes, not quite empty, not indifferent, but with their usual emotionless aura.

"You coward", Albus spat, his lip curling in contempt. He got no response. "You are not taking such an easy way out, you will pay for what you have done, one way or the other", Albus stated, his voice glacial. "There is hardly any retribution severe enough for what you have done, but death… Death is _nothing._ You will live with what you have done. Don't you have anything to say? What do you have to say for yourself!?"

"Nothing. I have nothing to say."

Dumbledore stared hard into those apathetic dark orbs before shaking his head. "If I stay here much longer I am going to kill you, and you deserve so much worse than that. Harry… Harry will get to decide what he wants to happen to you. He is the one who has the right to", Albus' eyes narrowed. "I will take your wand and empty these rooms of potions ingredients. I am going to cast two charms, one which will prevent you from leaving these quarters under any circumstances, and one which will effectively stop any attempt you may make at harming yourself. I do not recommend attempts at defying them", he sneered, with a disgusted curl of his lip turning away from the man sitting motionlessly on the floor.

***

Half an hour later Albus was walking into the infirmary. The room was quiet, until Poppy's steps appeared from her office.

"Albus! What did you do?" she looked worried.

"For now I have just contained him to his quarters. I will think of what to do with him later. How is…?" Dumbledore's voice started out cold but grew anxious with his half-formed question. Madam Pomfrey motioned towards the only occupied bed in the hospital wing. Albus hesitantly walked closer.

"He's still asleep, which is just as well. He needs a lot of rest for his body to recuperate effectively." She spoke with her voice slightly hushed, following Albus who had stopped by Harry's bedside.

Dumbledore surveyed the boy on the bed, and all the hate he'd been filled with drained from him, leaving him feeling worn out and hopeless. Harry looked young, and so broken. His still form lay in a hospital gown, covers up to his waist, one arm resting beside him, the other draped over his stomach.

Albus would have liked to have said he looked peaceful in sleep at least, but that would have been a lie. His muscles were relaxed, but the expression on his face was frozen in an awful sort of resignation. He did not look peaceful.

Albus gently touched his cheek which was bruised and a bit cold. Dropping his hand he frowned. "Why haven't you healed these terrible bruises yet?" he inquired.

"Like I said before, even before losing the baby his magic was exhausted by the healing it had already aided. After the miscarriage, even after his magical reserves have recovered, it's not under control and won't be for several days, its help in healing him is therefore unreliable."

"What other injuries were there?" Albus' face had turned grimmer. Poppy retrieved the old diagnosis note from her pocket handing it to him. His expression grew more and more severe as he read the list through.

"How did he acquire all these cuts?"

"Some of them… the ones on his legs and in his face still had shards stuck in them, I think from a broken vase. The cuts on his back on the other hand… I don't know what they were from, they were quite deep and they were surrounded by a lot of severe bruising. There was nothing stuck in them, and the bruises were mostly oddly shaped, thin and long. They must have been made by something very hard and oblong, with something sharp attached to it…" she speculated quietly, looking ill. Feelings of wrath started rising inside Albus' chest again, until his inner reflections were interrupted by another voice.

"The fire iron." Albus hastily turned his head, eyes widening. Harry's eyes were wide open now, gaze fixated on the ceiling above him.

"Harry! You're awake. How… I'm so sorry. I… if I could have ever guessed how deep Severus' problems truly ran, that he would… I would never have left you with him…" Albus rambled, for once in his life not knowing at all what to say.

It wasn't made any easier by the fact that Harry didn't answer with as much as a glance in their direction.

"How are you feeling Harry? Are you in any pain?" Madam Pomfrey inquired.

Harry slowly turned his head slightly to look at her as if she was an idiot. What was more disturbing about his eyes though was what lay beneath the shallow look of annoyance; they were so hollow, hollow in a way Harry's eyes had never been before. Albus' breath caught.

"Well, hrrm … I'll be in my office for now, I assume the two of might want to speak privately. Just call me if you need me…" she quickly left them, closing the door behind her.

"Harry I… There's not even anything I can say. I am so very sorry. This should never have happened…"

Harry had turned his hollow gaze back to the white ceiling. Albus trailed off, Harry didn't even look to be listening to him. "Harry…"

"What?"

"Severus will pay for what he has done, one way or the other." Dumbledore could think of nothing else to say right now.

"What difference does it make?" Harry asked, his question sounding rhetorical due to its impassive tone.

After a long while of silence Albus answered anyhow. "I suppose it doesn't really. Not to you."

"No… Not to me", Harry whispered. Albus desperately caught a hold of Harry's hand, holding onto it as if his life depended upon never letting it go. Harry just looked dispassionately down at their clasped hands, his expression giving the impression he was looking at something that was in no way connected to him. Raising his other arm he started drawing strange shapes in the air above him.

"It doesn't matter. There is nothing you can say, you don't have to try. Nothing matters."

Albus felt his heart break at those impassively uttered words.

"Harry, no. Of course-"

"No. Don't. There is not anything you can say. So don't", Harry said softly.

Albus had never felt this helpless. Miserably he watched this blank shell that was supposed to be his Harry, until the boy fell asleep again.

***

The following day was Christmas Eve. Albus always loved the holidays, but this year he barely even acknowledged it. He went back of course to visit Harry in the hospital wing.

He was no different from what he had been like the day before. The shell in the hospital bed was still not Albus' Harry.

What scared him was that he knew that this was no temporary depression. He would have preferred to believe that it was that, a passing phase. He could see that it wasn't though; this was Harry now, the new, irrevocably altered version of Harry.

The worst part to Albus was he did not know how to help him. He did not know what to do for him. He just didn't know.

**Harry's POV**

Dumbledore was back again soon after he woke up. The old man wouldn't leave his side. Harry wished that he would. He couldn't stand his company anymore. He just couldn't stand being around him, or anyone else. He wanted to be left alone.

What he wanted more than anything was to leave this place; he couldn't stand its familiarity.

He wasn't himself anymore, he wasn't who he used to be and this place felt _wrong._ He wanted to remember it as he used to see it; he wanted to remember everyone and everything he'd previously known as how it'd seemed before.

He needed to leave, that was what he needed to do. He couldn't stay here, this place was not his home anymore, this was where 'Harry' had belonged. He didn't feel this was who he was anymore and he knew he no longer belonged to this place.

He could not stay here, it hurt so much, and he couldn't stand it. He needed to run, to go someplace else.

Dumbledore had told him about what had happened to Snape. He had almost guessed that Snape wanted to die, long before this. It had been in his eyes, which weren't so empty if you knew how to look. Having spent enough time in his presence it was almost impossible to miss it. Harry had noticed it, though he hadn't recognized it immediately for what it was.

He couldn't help but feel Dumbledore should have let him do what he wanted. Albus had felt death on his own terms too light a 'punishment' for what he had done.

Harry didn't see how retribution, revenge in any form, would change anything. He held no desire for it.

Not because he cared about Snape, he didn't, and he would never forgive him. But he hadn't felt vengeful, even for a second. He just felt empty.

***

He didn't really know what it was that compelled him to late that evening get out of bed. He had finally been left alone, after he had feigned sleep an hour ago.

He was not as heavily doped up on pain potions as he had been, and so his healing body ached. His broken wrist and many cuts had all been healed. What remained where mostly a lot of bruises, scars and slight ache where the newly healed injuries had been.

Most serious was the incision-wound which had yet to scar. It was healing, but slowly as his magic was not yet of much assistance. He was heavily bandaged around his midsection.

Because of this in combination with his many aches he moved ever so slowly. There were no people out in the corridors though and eventually he had found his way down into the dungeons, standing before the portrait guarding what had been his and Severus' quarters.

"Oh dear, how are you? You scared me the last time I saw you-"

Harry interrupted the woman in the portrait who looked troubled, with the password. "But-"

"I have given you the correct password, now let me in", Harry interrupted coolly.

Giving him a hesitant look the portrait finally fell open and Harry entered. The living room had not been cleaned. It felt rather morbid viewing his own dried in blood on the floor.

Opening the door to Severus' bedroom he found the potions master sitting on the floor. He looked terrible; his black slacks and white dress shirt filthy, his dark hair greasier than ever, hanging in front of his face as his head was tipped forward.

As if feeling Harry's scrutiny he looked up. His eyes were blood-shot and they did not reflect their usual emptiness, even on the surface. Instead they were filled with pain, pain so raw it was almost palpable, impossible to miss. He looked to be in mental agony, and having been so for a very long time.

Their eyes stayed locked for a long moment and neither spoke. Then Harry nodded lightly.

"I'm going to give you what you want most in the world. I'm going to take all your pain away."

Snape didn't say anything; he just cocked his head raising an eyebrow, the infinite never-ending agony of his soul reflected through his eyes not fading for a second. Then he nodded as if in understanding.

"Thank you", his whisper was almost imperceptible but Harry had heard it. He turned his back on Snape, making his way to the liquor cabinet in the living room.

One after the other he opened the bottles of fire whisky in there, pouring them across the floor, over the furniture, everywhere. When the room was thoroughly drenched he carefully, as to not upset the stitches in his incision wound, bent in front of the hearth. Reaching in, he carefully took one of the burning pieces of wood out of the fire by its unburned end.

He then dragged its burning tip across the floor, following the trail of whisky which continued in every direction. Standing up he watched it spread rapidly.

Above the eating flames he saw Snape through the open door to the other room. Pain still radiated of off him, though the flames had not yet touched him, but he wore a small smile, the first genuine one Harry had ever seen on him. He turned away, leaving the quarters before the flames could lock him in.

***

The next morning Dumbledore appeared in the infirmary once again, his usual forced cheerful smile in place. So no one had found Snape yet then. This did not surprise Harry, no one lived anywhere near him, and so no one would have heard his screams, if in fact he did scream.

One of the upsides with living in a dungeon with stone walls was that a potential fire didn't spread beyond the rooms between which there were wooden doors; nothing outside of the quarters would have been damaged.

"Good morning Harry. How are you doing?"

Harry shrugged. He was sitting up in his bed now, which was a lot more comfortable when talking to someone than lying down looking up at them. Albus took a seat and looked like he was just about to start small talking about one of his usual trivial subjects to fill the silent void. Harry decided he'd rather not go there today. "You should check the dungeons", he said bluntly.

Dumbledore frowned. "Why is that, my boy?"

"Snape's quarters are burned out and he's dead."

Dumbledore's eyes widened and he stiffened. "…What?"

"He's dead. I went down there yesterday after you and Madam Pomfrey left. I lit it on fire", he said casually, in a tone implying he was talking about nothing more unusual than the weather.

Dumbledore was very pale. "I see… I thought you did not care for revenge?"

"I never said that, I said I didn't expect it to change anything. Besides, I didn't do it for vengeance. I did it… Actually I don't even know why. It felt… right."

"It felt… right?" Dumbledore stared at him in disbelief, looking at him as if he had never seen him before.

"Yes. You asked before if there was anything you could do for me. There is one thing", Harry said seriously. "I'm going to leave. And you are going to help me."

A moment passed before Dumbledore responded. "Leave? And go where?"

"Anywhere. Anywhere but here. I can't stay here, I won't. I… I don't belong here anymore. It will kill me if I have to stay here."

"Surely it is better that you stay here, with your friends, all the people who care about you?" Dumbledore said faintly.

"I'm not… I can't be who I was. They don't know me. I can't stay here, I'd rather die. I'm going to leave. The only question is if you are going to help me or not." He paused before continuing. "You owe me", he stated, his hollow stare boring into Albus' eyes unrelentingly.

"And Voldemort?" Albus breathed out.

"I could care less about Voldemort. If there is anything I have learned it is that everything is about choices. I choose to disregard that prophecy; I want nothing to do with it. I want to live, I cannot do that here. Don't you think you owe me that at least, to give me a choice, a chance?"

The room was quiet for almost a full minute before Albus answered him. "I owe you everything."

***

Harry Potter vanished that same day. To the rest of the wizarding community he died. From what people were told by Dumbledore (and no one doubted the word of Dumbledore), there had been an attack on Hogwarts by Death eaters.

They had gotten into Hogwarts at night when Albus was away, broken into the quarters Harry shared with Snape and taken them of guard, sleeping. After murdering them they had burned the rooms down, there weren't much of the bodies left to bury.

The wizarding community was devastated. But people went on, they had to.

Voldemort knew obviously that he had not ordered an attack on Hogwarts, yet. He assumed this was a ploy by Dumbledore to hide Harry Potter along with Severus Snape away until they were needed in the war.

The dark lord sent people to find information on the vanished war heroes' whereabouts but they always came back empty handed, he never found any trace of them. It was as if they had truly disappeared from the face of the earth.

Albus Dumbledore would come to lead the light in its many clashes with Voldemort for years to come, but everyone knew that the day of that unfortunate attack on Hogwarts in his absence, was the day that the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes died out forever, along with the-boy-who-didn't-live in the end and a potions master no one would even remember at all.

But though many grieved the Harry Potter they'd known, or if they never knew him personally what he had symbolized to them, most of them did move on. Some of them became losses in the long, never-ending war, while some of them lived long lives, before they too followed the rest, finally coming to the same realization Harry had been faced with many years before them.

No one ever heard from Harry Potter again. But on another location entirely, far away from Britain, a man nobody knew named Adam Grey showed up a few months after the savior of the Wizarding world's untimely demise.

This man travelled the world aimlessly, for years. He saw many of the world's wonders, but it seemed he never found what he sought.

He knew many cultures and made friends in every country he visited. He never stayed long before moving on though, and he was a mystery to all. Eventually he did settle down, in a small village in South America, by the Amazon River.

He married a woman of Indian heritage and they lived deep inside the tropical forest, in peace, and those who knew them claimed that Adam, the mysterious wanderer of the world, finally seemed content.

She died eventually, at an old age, after a short time of sickness. Adam disappeared again after that. This time, no one ever saw him again.

No one knew where Adam Grey came from, nor what happened to him. And that was the way he wanted it, the destiny he chose.

And as the people who had thought they knew Harry Potter were slowly replaced by the next generation, the memory of him faded, and all that was left was the myth of two very unfortunate people.

**The end**


End file.
